Marriage counselor Gary Chapman writes in his book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Communication to Your Mate,” that people typically express love--and are predisposed to best receive expressions of love--through one of five means, which he calls the love languages. If you are attempting to express love in a manner that your spouse doesn’t understand, he may feel unloved and, eventually, neglected and resentful. According to Chapman, learning your spouse’s primary love language can help keep the person feeling emotionally fulfilled so that you can build a stronger marriage.
Words of Affirmation
To some people, hearing compliments and expressions of verbal appreciation may make them feel most loved. This may mean being complimented on their appearance, their cooking, the work that they do around the house or the things that they do to provide for their families. Chapman notes that when speaking words of encouragement, your tone of voice is often more important than the words you use. If your spouse’s primary love language is verbal affirmation, make it a point to say “I love you” and express your appreciation often. Insults and criticism can be especially damaging.
Quality Time
Others may feel most loved when their spouses make a point of spending quality time with them. Quality time, Dr. Chapman explains, means giving someone your undivided attention and engaging in activities in which you can interact, not merely watching TV together. This may mean spending 10 to 20 minutes together in the evening and talking without outside distractions, taking a walk together or going out to dinner. Failing to listen to your spouse when she is talking, or canceling dates, can leave her feeling unappreciated and unloved.
Gifts
People who primarily speak the love language of gifts appreciate the thoughtfulness and effort behind even small tokens of affection. Gifts don’t need to be extravagant or costly--to these people, gifts are visible symbols of love that make them feel cared for and appreciated. According to Chapman, forgetting a birthday or neglecting to put thought into a gift could be especially hurtful to them.
Acts of Service
Acts of service includes doing things around the house to help ease your spouse’s burden. To people in this group, simply keeping the house clean, taking out the garbage or helping with other household chores is an expression of love. If your spouse primarily speaks the language of acts of service, offering to help with additional household chores will make him feel especially loved. Chapman notes that breaking commitments, behaving in a manner your spouse may regard as lazy or inadvertently creating more work for him may cause your spouse feelings of resentment.
Physical Touch
Chapman notes that the love language of physical touch extends far beyond sex. People who primarily speak this love language may express love through hugs and small touches on the arm. Simply holding your spouse when she is upset, rubbing her shoulders at the end of a hard day or giving her a kiss before you leave the house will make her feel most loved and appreciated.
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