Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
GLAD NOT BEING PSYCHOPATHIC
Your place on the psychopathic spectrum
YOUR
SCORE 36%
Though your conscience is in the right place you also have a pragmatic streak and generally aren’t afraid to do your own dirty work! You’re no shrinking violet - but no daredevil either. You generally have little trouble seeing things from another person’s perspective but, at the same time, are no pushover. ‘Everything in moderation – including moderation’ might sum up your approach to life.
ABOUT THE PSYCHOPATHIC SPECTRUM
When most people think of psychopaths, Hannibal Lecter typically springs to mind! But actually, being psychopathic doesn't necessarily mean that you're a serial killer – or even that you'll break the law.
Some of us may score higher on some psychopathic traits than on others. But unless you score high on all of them, you don't really have anything to worry about! Another misconception about psychopaths concerns diagnosis. A lot of people think that you're either a psychopath or you're not, that it's all very black and white. But there is evidence to suggest that it's not as clear-cut as this. In fact, psychopathy – like height and weight, for example – lies on a spectrum.
This test is not a diagnostic tool nor is it psychometrically validated. It cannot be used to clinically diagnose psychopathic personality or any mental illness.
Within the framework of clinical psychology, a psychopath is someone with a distinct cluster of personality traits including ruthlessness, fearlessness, narcissism, charm, charisma, impulsivity, persuasiveness, manipulation and a lack of conscience and empathy. Sure, these traits may well come in handy if you aspire to be an axe-murderer! But they can also come in handy in the courtroom, on the trading floor, or in the operating theatre. It just depends on what else you've got going on in your personality, and the start you get in life.
At the sharp end you may well find your serial killers and axe murderers but, all of us have our place at some point along the continuum.
** I preferred pop, dog and bbc.
YOUR
SCORE 36%
Though your conscience is in the right place you also have a pragmatic streak and generally aren’t afraid to do your own dirty work! You’re no shrinking violet - but no daredevil either. You generally have little trouble seeing things from another person’s perspective but, at the same time, are no pushover. ‘Everything in moderation – including moderation’ might sum up your approach to life.
ABOUT THE PSYCHOPATHIC SPECTRUM
When most people think of psychopaths, Hannibal Lecter typically springs to mind! But actually, being psychopathic doesn't necessarily mean that you're a serial killer – or even that you'll break the law.
Some of us may score higher on some psychopathic traits than on others. But unless you score high on all of them, you don't really have anything to worry about! Another misconception about psychopaths concerns diagnosis. A lot of people think that you're either a psychopath or you're not, that it's all very black and white. But there is evidence to suggest that it's not as clear-cut as this. In fact, psychopathy – like height and weight, for example – lies on a spectrum.
This test is not a diagnostic tool nor is it psychometrically validated. It cannot be used to clinically diagnose psychopathic personality or any mental illness.
Within the framework of clinical psychology, a psychopath is someone with a distinct cluster of personality traits including ruthlessness, fearlessness, narcissism, charm, charisma, impulsivity, persuasiveness, manipulation and a lack of conscience and empathy. Sure, these traits may well come in handy if you aspire to be an axe-murderer! But they can also come in handy in the courtroom, on the trading floor, or in the operating theatre. It just depends on what else you've got going on in your personality, and the start you get in life.
At the sharp end you may well find your serial killers and axe murderers but, all of us have our place at some point along the continuum.
** I preferred pop, dog and bbc.
Complaining Ruins Your Reputation
By Selena Rezvani
In today’s typical workplace, disengaged employees are the
norm. In fact, research conducted by Gallup
shows that only 13% of employees worldwide are engaged in their work. And as we
all know, where there are disengaged employees, there’s usually complaining, gossiping,
and griping that follows.
It’s not that there’s no place for disappointment, anger or
annoyance at work. But I can guarantee you that your complaints are not doing
you or your career any favors. If they were, people would label them ‘proposals,’
‘negotiations,’ ‘solutions’ or ‘suggestions’.
Next time you feel the urge to reflexively complain, think
through these common perceptions of workplace whiners (by non-whiners). They
may just be the best deterrent when you have the need to gripe:
- They think you’re unproductive: It’s hard to be a top producer and also find the time to complain constantly. When you’re seen voicing grievances to your colleague in the lunchroom, for example, people assume that you’re consciously putting your energy there, rather than into your key responsibilities. It’s also obvious to others that in the time you spend complaining, you could be problem solving, researching ways to improve the situation or moving on to something else more substantive.
- They assume you complain about them, too: When you see the worst in colleagues or express your displeasure frequently about coworkers, people will see you as unsympathetic and critical. They will also make a very fair and immediate assumption: If you talk negatively about the person sitting in the cube next to you, you probably talk negatively about them too. Don’t brand yourself someone as someone who’s impossible to please; it sends the added message that you’re untouchable and everyone else is flawed.
- They don’t trust you: There’s a reason that the online reviews we tend to trust most are factual, fair and balanced in tone. The same is often true among the colleagues to whom we give the most credence. If you’re seen as a complainer, people will not respect your view in a meeting the same way they would someone who evenhandedly considers all angles. By complaining too much, you’re etching away at your credibility and essentially declaring to the world, “Don’t take my ideas very seriously, they’re probably negative, partial or one sided.”
- They think you can’t cope with change: At many companies, people’s first impulse upon learning about a change is displeasure. Even if this reflex is natural, there’s a competitive advantage in business (and in life) to getting from ‘Place A’ to ‘Place B’ quickly. If you come across as someone rigid or intolerant of ambiguity, you convey to others that you’re a slow adopter and a laggard; show them instead that you look for possibilities in change.
- They think you don’t take responsibility: One of the key reasons we complain is that when we pin the fault on someone else, we don’t have to look at our own behavior. And yet, in my interviews with top senior leaders, the higher an executive moves up, the more personal responsibility they need to take for their actions and results. A seasoned complainer rarely takes personal ownership – which only underscores the sense of powerless that got them complaining in the first place.
- They don’t want to be associated with you: Often, when you complain to a group, the implicit message is that you’re trying to rally support for your way of thinking. Not only is it bad for others’ health and welfare to listen to you, but you’ll find that colleagues will think twice before being linked to you. Whether on a client project, a new assignment or an internal committee, they know they don’t have a lot to gain from being partnered with a glass-half-empty kind of thinker.
When you complain, you’re not endearing yourself to anyone. Whether
you occasionally struggle with a victim mentality or have had your fair share
of true bad breaks, it’s reassuring to remember that when it comes to your own
behavior, you hold all the power and you always have a choice.
So be your own hero. Ride in on your own white horse to save
the day. And spare people’s ears the latest disappointment that has set you off.
How to Deal With Impossible People
by Self Carers
Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won’t get you anywhere, they don’t even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some other underlying issue, you can learn how to deal with impossible people and preserve your own sanity.
Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they’re called “impossible” for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.
Do not call out the other person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with someone who is impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, he or she will likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can’t handle this like you would any other personal conflict — it’s a special situation.
Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn’t a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you’re probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
Remember to “detach, disassociate and diffuse.“ When you’re in the middle of a conflict with an impossible person, use this strategy:
Understand that it’s not you, it’s them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.
Prepare for projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually aprecious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn’t even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.
Don’t get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often thwart the impossible person’s plans, and a typical response from them will be to unilaterally decide that “we don’t need anyone else.” You are perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.
Consider that it might be a question of compatibility. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water.
Prepare to part ways. Understand that eventually, you’ll have to create a separation between yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible.
Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Focus on the people who validate you. Realize that this person is hurting you on purpose to improve his or her self-image. When he or she comes out with a statement that is designed to hurt you, realize this; realize why he saying that — to get people to tell him that he’s awesome. You are bigger and better than this person if you’re not lowering yourself to this level.
Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren’t careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender’s own behavior, even if you aren’t voluntarily trying. Issue blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person’s actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and kindness.
Protect your privacy. Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk.
Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won’t get you anywhere, they don’t even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some other underlying issue, you can learn how to deal with impossible people and preserve your own sanity.
How to Handle Conflicts
Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they’re called “impossible” for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.
Do not call out the other person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with someone who is impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, he or she will likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can’t handle this like you would any other personal conflict — it’s a special situation.
- In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn’t a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you’re probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
Remember to “detach, disassociate and diffuse.“ When you’re in the middle of a conflict with an impossible person, use this strategy:
- Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions such as crying, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior.
- Disassociate: Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference. Do not, under any circumstances bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive by redirection such as by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!
- Diffuse: It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will always win out, and it’s best to “name the game” that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them or the group a question that starts “Why…,” (rephrasing their “impossible” position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the conversation to a higher level, and the group, or even just the impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this “higher truth,” although the individual will usually respond by (more) obfuscating.
Understand that it’s not you, it’s them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.
- Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake.
- That being said, here’s a simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it’s probably not you. Remember, impossible people “can do no wrong.”
Prepare for projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.
- Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually aprecious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn’t even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
Long-Term Management
Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.
- As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of “fixing” the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can’t (and even if they could, they wouldn’t).
- Recognize that you can’t convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don’t recognize (or if they did, wouldn’t try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don’t have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It’s far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you’ll become a better manager.
Don’t get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often thwart the impossible person’s plans, and a typical response from them will be to unilaterally decide that “we don’t need anyone else.” You are perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.
Consider that it might be a question of compatibility. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water.
- It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim “Everyone else likes me.” This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don’t buy it. It doesn’t matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.
Prepare to part ways. Understand that eventually, you’ll have to create a separation between yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible.
- If you can’t (or won’t) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you’ve already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
- If this person is a spouse, and you plan to stay with them, try to recognize the places you cannot tread (i.e. The subjects that make the person impossible). Avoid, as completely as possible, bringing up these subjects. Keep to yourself. Find a truly wonderful hobby, and focus on it. If you are religious, focus on your religion. Read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder — this is a definite possibility. Even if it seems to you that they do not have NPD, read the articles about how to deal with them, because following the advice in the articles you find may help you.
Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Focus on the people who validate you. Realize that this person is hurting you on purpose to improve his or her self-image. When he or she comes out with a statement that is designed to hurt you, realize this; realize why he saying that — to get people to tell him that he’s awesome. You are bigger and better than this person if you’re not lowering yourself to this level.
- Remind yourself that this person’s opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly “fact-challenged.”
- If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can’t possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren’t careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender’s own behavior, even if you aren’t voluntarily trying. Issue blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person’s actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and kindness.
- We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don’t have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don’t receive respect, that’s -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.
Protect your privacy. Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk.
- Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think “Hey, she’s not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days….” Big mistake! It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to “handle” you is.
TIPS
- When you make your escape from the impossible person stay away. Don’t ever go back once you break away — no matter how much you love them or they say they’ve changed.
- When the impossible person is abusing or slandering you, other people will start to show sympathy towards you. You don’t need to do anything to make them look bad; she/he just digs his/her grave with no help from you. If s/he is angering you, others are also likely to be annoyed.
- Be detached from anything they say whether it’s a compliment or criticism. If you give them power to build you up, then you also give them power to knock you down. Learn to develop a sense of self worth from within.
Be Free From Resentment
By Sarah Louise Gess
“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”
We often experience resentment toward other people when we find it hard to forgive them and hold onto unspoken pain.
Whenever we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, judged, or wronged, we have a very powerful internal reaction.
The emotions we experience are strong. We feel them intensely and deeply, because they challenge us to reassess the self-image we hold of ourselves.
The unexpressed painful emotions we experience as a result of other peoples’ actions have the potential to transform into resentment if they are not released in a healthy, effective, and timely way.
Resentment lives inside us, feeding on our negative feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the longer it is ignored. It can mutate and develop into a warped veil, which prevents us from seeing the world from a healthy, balanced perspective.
If left unresolved, resentment has the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fuelling anger.
In turn, unexpressed, internalized anger is a ticking time-bomb which can lead to abusive or self-destructive behavior, or a combination of both.
Resentment is a very personal and private emotion, as it has almost no effect on the person it is directed towards.
It resides with its owner, and causes negativity and pain.
Given a conducive set of circumstances and enough time, I can experience resentment on a powerful scale. I believe this is, in part, rooted in my formative years. I was brought up in a home where expressing strong, “negative” emotions was prohibited.
I grew up believing it was unacceptable to express hurt, disappointment, frustration, or anger toward the people who evoked these very emotions in me.
By the time I reached my teen years, I had unwittingly yet wholeheartedly perfected the internalization of painful emotions.
Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.
Whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I would simply deny my emotions by storing them in a box inside me labelled “deal with this later.” However, later never came. What did come was resentment toward the people who’d hurt me—that and anger.
At the time, I saw this as a kind of pay-off. “If I keep my feelings hidden and unexpressed, then I don’t have to risk jeopardizing the quality of my relationship with this person.”
In truth, I was terrified of rejection.
This fear fuelled my reluctance to express my pain to the people who’d hurt me. Ultimately, the person who I ended up hurting the most was me.
As a young adult I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and happiness in life.
At first, I felt weak for not being able to consciously override my existing behavior patterns and simply create newer, healthier thought processes and actions.
I wanted more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed parameters.
It took a lot of honest and thoughtful self examination to begin to realize, understand, and accept what was preventing me from living a life free from bitterness.
After years of denying myself the full spectrum of my emotions, I resented anyone who stirred powerful, “negative” feelings inside me. My resentment toward others was intrinsically linked to my own inability to express painful emotions.
Looking back, I feel that if I had expressed myself more truthfully, I would not have clung so desperately to the resentment and anger. I also believe I would have welcomed forgiveness and been able to enjoy closer relationships with others more readily.
Everyone needs to express themselves. This is not a luxury; this is an absolute necessity.
To be fully free and completely ourselves, we must feel comfortable enough to outwardly express our emotions, whatever form they take.
If you are experiencing feelings of resentment, here are a few tips that may help you to let go and move forward:
When we deny our feelings, we are denying the truth. What kind of life are we living if we are not living truthfully?
Allowing ourselves to feel our full range of emotions is not only liberating and necessary, but it also helps cleanse us of negativity which we may be subconsciously holding on to.
Many of us are conditioned to see emotions as “good” and “bad.” To regard the complexity of emotions as either black or white belies the learning opportunities which are embedded and disguised in experiencing them.
For example, jealousy could be regarded as a “bad” emotion; however, if we open our minds and hearts, we could also see that this emotion is our own personal doorway to learning more about fear, trust, and connection.
When someone hurts us, intentionally or accidentally, we have a responsibility to ourselves to express our pain.
This needn’t be self indulgent or pitiful, but an understanding that it is our right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner which helps us to let go and move forward.
The next time you experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, try using this simple mantra:
“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”
When we stop trying to control our feelings, and start embracing the colorful way in which our hearts communicate with us, life begins to teach us our most important lessons.
It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our pain to the people who hurt us. In doing so, we expose our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe.
But when we communicate painful emotions, we take a step outside of our comfort zone and into a wonderful learning and growth opportunity.
The next time someone’s actions hurt you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared and disrespected,” or “When you ignore me, it makes me feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words to convey your feelings.
Try to express yourself from a calm and balanced frame of mind. Your words will have more effect if you are able to express them from a strong, healthy standpoint.
Remember that you are doing this for you. It may also help the relationship, but your main motivation for communicating and expressing your feelings is your commitment to living a truthful life, free from resentment.
Forgiveness is your own personal honor. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.
Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.
When we forgive, we stop letting ours pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.
Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.
When we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger, more confident, and more aware.
We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.
“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”
We often experience resentment toward other people when we find it hard to forgive them and hold onto unspoken pain.
Whenever we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, judged, or wronged, we have a very powerful internal reaction.
The emotions we experience are strong. We feel them intensely and deeply, because they challenge us to reassess the self-image we hold of ourselves.
The unexpressed painful emotions we experience as a result of other peoples’ actions have the potential to transform into resentment if they are not released in a healthy, effective, and timely way.
Resentment lives inside us, feeding on our negative feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the longer it is ignored. It can mutate and develop into a warped veil, which prevents us from seeing the world from a healthy, balanced perspective.
If left unresolved, resentment has the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fuelling anger.
In turn, unexpressed, internalized anger is a ticking time-bomb which can lead to abusive or self-destructive behavior, or a combination of both.
Resentment is a very personal and private emotion, as it has almost no effect on the person it is directed towards.
It resides with its owner, and causes negativity and pain.
Given a conducive set of circumstances and enough time, I can experience resentment on a powerful scale. I believe this is, in part, rooted in my formative years. I was brought up in a home where expressing strong, “negative” emotions was prohibited.
I grew up believing it was unacceptable to express hurt, disappointment, frustration, or anger toward the people who evoked these very emotions in me.
By the time I reached my teen years, I had unwittingly yet wholeheartedly perfected the internalization of painful emotions.
Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.
Whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I would simply deny my emotions by storing them in a box inside me labelled “deal with this later.” However, later never came. What did come was resentment toward the people who’d hurt me—that and anger.
At the time, I saw this as a kind of pay-off. “If I keep my feelings hidden and unexpressed, then I don’t have to risk jeopardizing the quality of my relationship with this person.”
In truth, I was terrified of rejection.
This fear fuelled my reluctance to express my pain to the people who’d hurt me. Ultimately, the person who I ended up hurting the most was me.
As a young adult I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and happiness in life.
At first, I felt weak for not being able to consciously override my existing behavior patterns and simply create newer, healthier thought processes and actions.
I wanted more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed parameters.
It took a lot of honest and thoughtful self examination to begin to realize, understand, and accept what was preventing me from living a life free from bitterness.
After years of denying myself the full spectrum of my emotions, I resented anyone who stirred powerful, “negative” feelings inside me. My resentment toward others was intrinsically linked to my own inability to express painful emotions.
Looking back, I feel that if I had expressed myself more truthfully, I would not have clung so desperately to the resentment and anger. I also believe I would have welcomed forgiveness and been able to enjoy closer relationships with others more readily.
Everyone needs to express themselves. This is not a luxury; this is an absolute necessity.
To be fully free and completely ourselves, we must feel comfortable enough to outwardly express our emotions, whatever form they take.
If you are experiencing feelings of resentment, here are a few tips that may help you to let go and move forward:
Express yourself
When we deny our feelings, we are denying the truth. What kind of life are we living if we are not living truthfully?
Allowing ourselves to feel our full range of emotions is not only liberating and necessary, but it also helps cleanse us of negativity which we may be subconsciously holding on to.
Many of us are conditioned to see emotions as “good” and “bad.” To regard the complexity of emotions as either black or white belies the learning opportunities which are embedded and disguised in experiencing them.
For example, jealousy could be regarded as a “bad” emotion; however, if we open our minds and hearts, we could also see that this emotion is our own personal doorway to learning more about fear, trust, and connection.
When someone hurts us, intentionally or accidentally, we have a responsibility to ourselves to express our pain.
This needn’t be self indulgent or pitiful, but an understanding that it is our right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner which helps us to let go and move forward.
The next time you experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, try using this simple mantra:
“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”
When we stop trying to control our feelings, and start embracing the colorful way in which our hearts communicate with us, life begins to teach us our most important lessons.
Communicate your feelings
It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our pain to the people who hurt us. In doing so, we expose our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe.
But when we communicate painful emotions, we take a step outside of our comfort zone and into a wonderful learning and growth opportunity.
The next time someone’s actions hurt you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared and disrespected,” or “When you ignore me, it makes me feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words to convey your feelings.
Try to express yourself from a calm and balanced frame of mind. Your words will have more effect if you are able to express them from a strong, healthy standpoint.
Remember that you are doing this for you. It may also help the relationship, but your main motivation for communicating and expressing your feelings is your commitment to living a truthful life, free from resentment.
Practice forgiveness
Forgiveness is your own personal honor. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.
Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.
When we forgive, we stop letting ours pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.
Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.
When we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger, more confident, and more aware.
We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.
Eleven Signs Of SomeOne Lying
By Dr. Lillian Glass
1. They change their head position quickly.
If you see someone suddenly make a head movement when you ask them a direct question, they may be lying to you about something.
"The head will be retracted or jerked back, bowed down, or cocked or tilted to the side," writes Glass. This will often happen right before the person is expected to respond to a question.
2. Their breathing changes.
When someone is lying to you, they may begin to breathe heavily, Glass says. "It's a reflex action."
When their breathing changes, their shoulders will rise and their voice may get shallow, she adds. “In essence, they are out of breath because their heart rate and blood flow change. You body experiences these types of changes when you’re nervous and feeling tense — when you lie.”
3. They stand very still.
It's common knowledge that people fidget when they get nervous, but Glass says that you should also watch out for people who are not moving at all.
"This may be a sign of the primitive neurological 'fight,' rather than the 'flight,' response, as the body positions and readies itself for possible confrontation," says Glass. "When you speak and engage in normal conversation, it is natural to move your body around in subtle, relaxed, and, for the most part, unconscious movements. So if you observe a rigid, catatonic stance devoid of movement, it is often a huge warning sign that something is off."
4. They repeat words or phrases.
This happens because they're trying to convince you, and themselves, of something, she says. “They’re trying to validate the lie in their mind.” For example, he or she may say: "I didn't...I didn't..." over and over again, Glass says.
The repetition is also a way to buy themselves time as they attempt to gather their thoughts, she adds.
5. They provide too much information.
"When someone goes on and on and gives you too much information — information that is not requested and especially an excess of details — there is a very high probability that he or she is not telling you the truth," writes Glass. "Liars often talk a lot because they are hoping that, with all their talking and seeming openness, others will believe them."
6. They touch or cover their mouth.
"A telltale sign of lying is that a person will automatically put their hands over their mouth when they don't want to deal with an issue or answer a question," says Glass.
"When adults put their hands over their lips, it means they aren't revealing everything, and they just don't want to tell the truth," she says. "They are literally closing off communication."
7. They instinctively cover vulnerable body parts.
This may include areas such as the throat, chest, head, or abdomen.
"I have often seen this in the courtroom when I work as a consultant for attorneys. I can always tell when someone's testimony has hit a nerve with the defendant, when I see his or her hand covering the front of his/her throat," says Glass.
"I never appreciated the potential use of this very telling behavior until I joined the FBI as a Special Agent," she says.
8. They shuffle their feet.
"This is the body taking over," Glass explains. Shuffling feet tells you that the potential liar is uncomfortable and nervous. It also shows you that he or she wants to leave the situation; they want to walk away, she says.
"This is one of the key ways to detect a liar. Just look at their feet and you can tell a lot."
9. It becomes difficult for them to speak.
"If you ever watch the videotaped interrogation of a suspect who is guilty, you will often observe that it becomes more and more difficult for her to speak," writes Glass. "This occurs because the automatic nervous system decreases salivary flow during times of stress, which of course dries out the mucous membranes of the mouth."
Other signs to watch out for include sudden lip biting or pursed lips.
10. They stare at you without blinking much.
When people lie, it's common that they break eye contact, but the liar could go the extra mile to maintain eye contact in attempt to control and manipulate you.
"[Bernie] Madoff, like most con men, overcompensated and stared at people longer than usual, often without blinking at regular intervals," says Glass. "When people tell the truth, most will occasionally shift their eyes around and may even look away from time to time. Liars, on the other hand, will use a cold, steady gaze to intimidate and control."
Also watch out for rapid blinking.
11. They tend to point a lot.
"When a liar becomes hostile or defensive, he is attempting to turn the tables on you," says Glass. The liar will get hostile because he is angry that you've discovered his lies, which may result in a lot of pointing.
1. They change their head position quickly.
If you see someone suddenly make a head movement when you ask them a direct question, they may be lying to you about something.
"The head will be retracted or jerked back, bowed down, or cocked or tilted to the side," writes Glass. This will often happen right before the person is expected to respond to a question.
2. Their breathing changes.
When someone is lying to you, they may begin to breathe heavily, Glass says. "It's a reflex action."
When their breathing changes, their shoulders will rise and their voice may get shallow, she adds. “In essence, they are out of breath because their heart rate and blood flow change. You body experiences these types of changes when you’re nervous and feeling tense — when you lie.”
3. They stand very still.
It's common knowledge that people fidget when they get nervous, but Glass says that you should also watch out for people who are not moving at all.
"This may be a sign of the primitive neurological 'fight,' rather than the 'flight,' response, as the body positions and readies itself for possible confrontation," says Glass. "When you speak and engage in normal conversation, it is natural to move your body around in subtle, relaxed, and, for the most part, unconscious movements. So if you observe a rigid, catatonic stance devoid of movement, it is often a huge warning sign that something is off."
4. They repeat words or phrases.
This happens because they're trying to convince you, and themselves, of something, she says. “They’re trying to validate the lie in their mind.” For example, he or she may say: "I didn't...I didn't..." over and over again, Glass says.
The repetition is also a way to buy themselves time as they attempt to gather their thoughts, she adds.
5. They provide too much information.
"When someone goes on and on and gives you too much information — information that is not requested and especially an excess of details — there is a very high probability that he or she is not telling you the truth," writes Glass. "Liars often talk a lot because they are hoping that, with all their talking and seeming openness, others will believe them."
6. They touch or cover their mouth.
"A telltale sign of lying is that a person will automatically put their hands over their mouth when they don't want to deal with an issue or answer a question," says Glass.
"When adults put their hands over their lips, it means they aren't revealing everything, and they just don't want to tell the truth," she says. "They are literally closing off communication."
7. They instinctively cover vulnerable body parts.
This may include areas such as the throat, chest, head, or abdomen.
"I have often seen this in the courtroom when I work as a consultant for attorneys. I can always tell when someone's testimony has hit a nerve with the defendant, when I see his or her hand covering the front of his/her throat," says Glass.
"I never appreciated the potential use of this very telling behavior until I joined the FBI as a Special Agent," she says.
8. They shuffle their feet.
"This is the body taking over," Glass explains. Shuffling feet tells you that the potential liar is uncomfortable and nervous. It also shows you that he or she wants to leave the situation; they want to walk away, she says.
"This is one of the key ways to detect a liar. Just look at their feet and you can tell a lot."
9. It becomes difficult for them to speak.
"If you ever watch the videotaped interrogation of a suspect who is guilty, you will often observe that it becomes more and more difficult for her to speak," writes Glass. "This occurs because the automatic nervous system decreases salivary flow during times of stress, which of course dries out the mucous membranes of the mouth."
Other signs to watch out for include sudden lip biting or pursed lips.
10. They stare at you without blinking much.
When people lie, it's common that they break eye contact, but the liar could go the extra mile to maintain eye contact in attempt to control and manipulate you.
"[Bernie] Madoff, like most con men, overcompensated and stared at people longer than usual, often without blinking at regular intervals," says Glass. "When people tell the truth, most will occasionally shift their eyes around and may even look away from time to time. Liars, on the other hand, will use a cold, steady gaze to intimidate and control."
Also watch out for rapid blinking.
11. They tend to point a lot.
"When a liar becomes hostile or defensive, he is attempting to turn the tables on you," says Glass. The liar will get hostile because he is angry that you've discovered his lies, which may result in a lot of pointing.
***
10 Habits of Happy Couples
by Dr. Mark Goulston
What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.
What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.
1. Go to bed at the same time
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps. And when their skins touch it still causes each of them to tingle and unless one or both are completely exhausted to feel sexually excited.
2. Cultivate common interests
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.
3. Walk hand in hand or side by side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a “weather” check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit…and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.
If there was one key to happiness in love and life and possibly even success it would be to go into each conversation you have with this commandment to yourself front and foremost in your mind, "Just Listen" and be more interested than interesting, more fascinated than fascinating and more adoring than adorable.
How Oxytocin, the 'Love Hormone' Works Its Magic
By Brenda Goodman
A whiff of oxytocin lit up reward center in men's brains when they looked at their partner's face.
Scientists, and women everywhere, have long wondered exactly what keeps a man from straying with a stranger.
From a biological perspective, at least, cheating is easy to understand. The more sexual partners a man has, the more likely he'll be to pass on his genetic material.
So why do so many men settle down, get married and stick around to raise their kids?
Researchers think they may have found a clue in oxytocin, a hormone released during sex and other intimate gestures like hugging or holding hands that's been proven to strengthen social bonds in other mammals.
They found that the hormone appears to boost men's attraction to their mate -- even when presented with pictures of other women.
The findings are published in this week's issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
In the study, 20 men who were in committed relationships for 28 months, on average, took whiffs of either oxytocin nasal spray or an inactive placebo spray.
For the first test, the men looked at pictures of their partner, a woman they'd never met, or a house. The photos of the women were carefully matched so one wasn't more attractive than the other.
In the second experiment, they looked at pictures of their partners or of women they knew but weren't related to, perhaps someone they saw at work every day.
Then the men rated the attraction they felt to the various faces. Men consistently rated their partners as being more attractive and arousing than the other women and, in most cases, a whiff of oxytocin boosted that effect compared to the placebo.
But what really fascinated the researchers was what happened inside the men's brains.
Under the influence of oxytocin, two areas of the brain responsible for feelings of reward and pleasure lit up when men saw their partner's faces. But the sight of other women had the opposite effect, suppressing feelings of pleasure.
"Oxytocin triggers the reward system to activate on the partner's face, the presence of the partner," said study author Dr. Rene Hurlemann, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Bonn, in Germany.
"Sexual monogamy is actually quite costly for males, so there must be some form of mechanism binding males and females together, at least for some time," Hurlemann said. "There must be some benefit, and reward is actually the strongest motivation underlying human behavior."
An expert who was not involved in the study said the results suggest that couples who keep a high level of intimacy in their relationships can maintain stronger bonds.
"When you're first becoming intimate, you're releasing lots of dopamine and oxytocin. That's creating that link between the neural systems that are processing your facial cues, your voice and the reward system" of a partner's brain, said Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta. He studies the role of oxytocin in social bonding.
As time goes on, and couples become less intimate, Young noted that linkage can decay. But activities that release oxytocin, such as really looking into another person's eyes, holding hands, kissing and having sex may help restore the connection.
"To me, it suggests that it may be a way to help prevent the decay that can occur that leads couples to separate," he said.
Hurlemann agreed: "I think this is the only reason that we do hug and touch each other all the time. I think this is the mechanism that keeps oxytocin levels high in relationships."
A whiff of oxytocin lit up reward center in men's brains when they looked at their partner's face.
Scientists, and women everywhere, have long wondered exactly what keeps a man from straying with a stranger.
From a biological perspective, at least, cheating is easy to understand. The more sexual partners a man has, the more likely he'll be to pass on his genetic material.
So why do so many men settle down, get married and stick around to raise their kids?
Researchers think they may have found a clue in oxytocin, a hormone released during sex and other intimate gestures like hugging or holding hands that's been proven to strengthen social bonds in other mammals.
They found that the hormone appears to boost men's attraction to their mate -- even when presented with pictures of other women.
The findings are published in this week's issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
In the study, 20 men who were in committed relationships for 28 months, on average, took whiffs of either oxytocin nasal spray or an inactive placebo spray.
For the first test, the men looked at pictures of their partner, a woman they'd never met, or a house. The photos of the women were carefully matched so one wasn't more attractive than the other.
In the second experiment, they looked at pictures of their partners or of women they knew but weren't related to, perhaps someone they saw at work every day.
Then the men rated the attraction they felt to the various faces. Men consistently rated their partners as being more attractive and arousing than the other women and, in most cases, a whiff of oxytocin boosted that effect compared to the placebo.
But what really fascinated the researchers was what happened inside the men's brains.
Under the influence of oxytocin, two areas of the brain responsible for feelings of reward and pleasure lit up when men saw their partner's faces. But the sight of other women had the opposite effect, suppressing feelings of pleasure.
"Oxytocin triggers the reward system to activate on the partner's face, the presence of the partner," said study author Dr. Rene Hurlemann, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Bonn, in Germany.
"Sexual monogamy is actually quite costly for males, so there must be some form of mechanism binding males and females together, at least for some time," Hurlemann said. "There must be some benefit, and reward is actually the strongest motivation underlying human behavior."
An expert who was not involved in the study said the results suggest that couples who keep a high level of intimacy in their relationships can maintain stronger bonds.
"When you're first becoming intimate, you're releasing lots of dopamine and oxytocin. That's creating that link between the neural systems that are processing your facial cues, your voice and the reward system" of a partner's brain, said Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta. He studies the role of oxytocin in social bonding.
As time goes on, and couples become less intimate, Young noted that linkage can decay. But activities that release oxytocin, such as really looking into another person's eyes, holding hands, kissing and having sex may help restore the connection.
"To me, it suggests that it may be a way to help prevent the decay that can occur that leads couples to separate," he said.
Hurlemann agreed: "I think this is the only reason that we do hug and touch each other all the time. I think this is the mechanism that keeps oxytocin levels high in relationships."
Dopamine is the Chemistry for Pleasure
by Nancy Uon
Many potential romances begin and end with the first date. The "date" usually involved some activity where both parties can get to know eachother by exchanging personal stories, comparing likes and dislikes and sharing a common experience, such as a movie, concert or a meal.
The success of a first date is usually determined by the feeling one or both of the parties have regarding future meetings.
"Would you like to go out again?"
"Would you like to go out again?"
New research has shed some light on things you should do, and not do, to make your "first date" experience a positive one, increasing the possibilities of a continuing relationship. It all has to do with a neurotransmitter called dopamine.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter produced in several areas of the brain that is found in a wide variety of animals. Its role in reward learning and reward-seeking behaviour is well established by animal studies -- however, in humans its role is much less understood.
Put simply, when you do something that brings pleasure, that sensation of pleasure is linked to the increased activity of dopamine in your brain. So strong is the effect of dopamine that, even one good "rush" from a dopamine experience will cause the brain to anticipate and react positively to repeat the same experience.
For years, scientists have known that dopamine was linked to addictive drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and even alcohol. This chemical basis for our perception of pleasure is very strong and not easily overcome. Research with laboratory animals has suggested that human behavior might be influenced in lesser, more subtle ways also. Now a new study has demonstrated that dopamine can influence the small choices that people make by affecting their expectation of pleasure and this new research might well be utilized on your next "first date."
When dopamine is released it provides feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate us to do, or continue doing, certain activities. Dopamine is released by naturally rewarding experiences such as food and sex.
This pre-programmed reward system makes sure that people do eat, do desire to procreate, and basically survive. Without enough dopamine, people feel the opposite of enjoyment and motivation -- they feel fatigued and depressed, and experience a lack of drive and motivation.
Brain chemicals, including dopamine, are stored in cells, which you can think of like barrels full of that chemical. When something occurs like a good meal or great sex the brain pours out some dopamine from the dopamine barrels into an open space in the brain called a "synapse". It floats around there.
Across the synapse from the barrels of dopamine are dopamine receptors. These dopamine receptors have special places where only Dopamine will fit, like a lock and key.
As the Dopamine floats around in the synapse, it finds the dopamine receptors, and "plugs in" to them. THIS is the point where we feel good. "Pleasure" is when the dopamine is locked in a receptor. There are, however, a limited number of dopamine receptors available, and each receptor has a limited capacity to accept dopamine molecules. So some of the dopamine may not be able to find a receptor.
When all the dopamine receptors are full, the remaining dopamine that didn't find a receptor is normally recycled. There are "reuptake molecules" that do this by taking the unused dopamine back to where it was originally stored. Other molecules break down the dopamine in a process called oxidation.
One of the chemicals that breaks down the dopamine is called Mono-Amine-Oxidase or MAO. This is a protein found in the liver and brain that breaks down dopamine so a person is not feeling pleasure all the time. In psychiatry, MAO-inhibitors are sometimes used to slow this action in depressed patients, allowing the dopamine and other neurotransmitters to build up in the synapse.
Drugs like prozac and zoloft, anti-depressants, perform this same inhibition with seratonin, another neurotransmitter.
Certain foods and spices can naturally inhibit MAO and thus increase dopamine.
Nutmeg has been used for decades by prisoners as a euphoric substance. When a tablespoon of powder is ingested it produces strong pleasurable sensations for up to 48 hours. The effects are described as very similar to MMDA ("Ecstacy"). When used in combination with dopamine rich foods the effect can be very pronounced.
Dopamine Enhances Expectation of Pleasure in Humans
In a study, published in Current Biology, the research team examined estimated pleasure of future events before and after the administration of a drug called L-DOPA, which is known to enhance dopamine function in the brain. L-DOPA is a prescription drug commonly used to treat patients with Parkinson's disease.
The 61 study participants were asked to rate their expectations of happiness if they were to holiday at each of 80 destinations, from Thailand to Greece. They were then given L-DOPA or a placebo (fake pill) and asked to imagine enjoying a holiday in those destinations.
The following day participants had to pick between a series of paired destinations that they had initially assigned with equal ratings, one member of the pair was imagined under L-DOPA the day before and the other under placebo. Finally, they rated the full set of 80 destinations again.
Ratings for particular destinations increased after they were imagined under L-DOPA's influence. That increase also affected the participants' selections the following day. Dr Sharot, the scientist who ran the studies, said, "We had reason to believe that dopamine would enhance expectations of pleasure in humans, but were surprised at the strength of this effect. The enhancement lasted at least 24 hours and was evident in almost 80 per cent of the subjects."
What appear to have happened here was that the elevated levels of dopamine in the brain of the people who were given L-DOPA caused them to associate certain choices (in this case the destination of a holiday) with the feeling of pleasure. The following day, when they were asked to rate a destination that was imgined under the influence of this dopamine-high, they rated it as more attracive and desirable.
Fast forward to the "day after" a first date. If only the same dopamine-high could influence that expectation of future pleasure... Well, there is possibly a way.
Certain foods are known to enhance and diminish dopamine production. Unfortunately they are not the usual menu on a typical date -- unless you decide to visit a salad or suchi bar. You might want to dine at home and prepare a dish containing some of the following foods:
Foods That Help To Increase Dopamine And Norepinephrine Naturally!
The Appetizer
How about a nice fruit cup?
Apples: A compound found in apples called "quercetin' is an antioxidant that studies have shown may not only help in the prevention of cancer but may also play an important role in the prevention of neurodegenerative disorders. There may be something to that old saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away..."
Bananas and Avacados: A banana is a good source of tyrosine. So is an avocado. Tyrosine is the amino acid neurons need make norepinephrine and dopamine.
Watermelon: Watermelon juice is fat free and loaded with vitamins A, B6, and C and is used by the body to manufacture neurotransmitters such as serotonin, melatonin, and dopamine.
The Entrée
Chicken & Turkey: Chicken and turkey meat, like eggs, contains complete low-fat protein source that increases levels of neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine.
Chicken is also a good source of coenzyme Q10 (Co Q10), which increases the energy generating potential of neurons.
As you will see further down in this article, wheat-germ and almonds are also rich in tyrosine, an amino acid that produces dopamine. Why not try a fried chicken breast coated with chopped almonds and wheat-germ?
Cheese & Yogurt: Dairy products are a well known protein foods, rich in tyrosine, which helps produce dopamine. Eggs: Research from the University of California, Berkeley suggests that people who suffer from depression have low amount of dopamine in their brains. One food to increase dopamine is a serving of protein-rich eggs. The eggs can be incorporated in just about anything baked.
Fish: Omega-3 fatty acids are found in seafood, especially mackerel, salmon, striped bass, rainbow trout, halibut, tuna, and sardines. These fatty acids may have many jobs in the body, including the production of neurotransmitters, such as dopamine.
You might consider taking a date to a Sushi restaurant. Many types of seaweed are also rich in nutrients that promote dopamine.
Beets: Betaine, an amino acid naturally present in certain vegetables, particularly beetroot (beets), is an antidepressant of the first order. Betaine acts as a stimulant for the production of SAM-e (S-adenoslmethionine) which is directly related to the production of dopamine and serotonin.
Whole grain bread is also rich in amino acids, like tyrosine.
Soy beans are also rich in tyrosine, an amino acid that increases dopamine production.
Tofu is a wonderful food, made from soy, which can be cooked in may different ways and flavored to resemble meats. It is a staple for vegetarians and Asians, especially Japanese, and can be served with other dopamine rich foods such as beets, crushed almonds and even fried bananas.
Hey, you might want to make this dinner yourself to get the full benefits of a dopamine-high!
Wheat Germ: Wheat Germ is a good source of Phenylalanine. Phenylalanine is an essential amino acid found in the brain and blood plasma that can convert in the body to tyrosine, which in turn is used to synthesize dopamine.
Almonds: This nut in particular is a rich source of tyrosine, which increased dopamine production.
Things to avoid:
Alcohol, red meat, caffeine, and sugar all deplete the brain of dopamine. So forget the usual strategies of booze, a good prime rib followed by strawberry shortcake.
You may feel good at the time but the next day will leave you withh less dopamine, cash or chances for a second date.
Lead author Dr Tali Sharot, Wellcome Trust Centre for Neuroimaging at UCL, said:
"Humans make much more complex decisions than other animals -- such as which job to take, where to go on holiday, whether to start a family -- and we wanted to understand the role of dopamine in making these types of decisions. Our results indicate that when we consider alternative options when making real-life decisions, dopamine has a role in signalling the expected pleasure from those possible future events. We then use that signal to make our choices."
10 Ways To Fall Out Of Love With Someone
By BRIANNA WIEST
1. Write down why it didn’t work and the ways you weren’t happy and keep that list with you. Read it when you inevitably start thinking of all the reasons why you miss them, and why they were so perfect for you. We all romanticize the love we once had, but if and when we get it back, we realize that it’s just the same as it was. When it comes to the past, nothing changes but how we view it. Be conscious of that.
2. Learn to differentiate between love, lust and attachment. Now, I’ll argue that love actually is a deep form of attachment, but in many ways, these three can be different, unique experiences that don’t add up to enough cause for spending the rest of your life with someone. It’s okay to be in lust. It’s okay to be attached. You don’t have to be forever though.
3. Realize that relationships aren’t supposed to make you feel good as much as they are supposed to teach you something, and to help you grow. Allow someone to be part of your story and not the tragic, final scene. Take from it what you need to learn. If it showed you all the unloving parts of yourself, work on those, that’s what it was supposed to do. We have a tendency to exacerbate relationships by the way in which we categorize them as good bad or ugly, and yet, for some reason, no matter which way we go, we always want to hold on for just a little bit longer.
4. Cut off all contact. You can’t pick and choose right now, and it’s great if you can get into a friendship one day, but until your feelings have faded, you need to take some distance. This is absolutely essential. Stop checking their social media, don’t ask friends about how they’re doing. You don’t have to be a jerk about it, and you can politely let them know that it’s best for you to take some time away from them (although it usually doesn’t go that smoothly) it’s important that it’s said and followed through with regardless.
5. Let yourself be sad. Resisting it makes it worse than it is. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve the loss of someone who was a big part of your life. Then let them go, and love yourself enough to let yourself go too. As in, let yourself walk away from them in the metaphorical sense. Nobody else will give you permission.
6. Don’t get frustrated when your thoughts inevitably keep drifting back to that person. Just let them recess and pass. This is really how you should deal with all of your negative thoughts, but doing so becomes increasingly difficult when the subject matter is something you want to cling onto like an addict. You have to embrace the fact that letting those thoughts wash over you and fade is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your post-relationship relationship.
7. Don’t expect to get over them if you’re sitting in your bed all day thinking about them. Get out and do what you love, go visit friends you’ve lost touch with. Fall in love with other things and people and yourself. There are more loves in your life other than just romantic, and when you learn to enchant yourself with them, you find yourself needing a significant other less and less.
8. Embrace that you may never get over them, but let them be a part of your story anyway. Not every love has to result in a vow to spend forever together, and it doesn’t mean that what you had wasn’t real or worthwhile or beautiful. Part of the story can be that you simply always loved them, even long after you were over, and you know what? If you ask me, no matter how it turns out in the long-run, that is the most beautiful thing you can experience: loving someone despite everything. The only catch is, you have to be able to do it in an accepting way, or you’ll bury yourself in your heartache for the rest of your life.
9. Start to detach yourself. Something we all have to come to terms with is the fact that we attach ourselves to other people in light of what we think they can provide for us– whether it’s subconscious or not, we go into near panic mode when they leave us because we don’t know how we’ll get by. But we will, because we always do.
10. Learn to take your feelings and channel them into fuel to propel you toward something greater. If anything, motivate yourself to succeed in spite of them. It’s not the most positive way of going about things (and I do believe you should really do things for yourself) but for now, while you’re struggling, it’s not the worst way to cope. Let them do what they came into your life to do: make you better, however doing so played out
1. Write down why it didn’t work and the ways you weren’t happy and keep that list with you. Read it when you inevitably start thinking of all the reasons why you miss them, and why they were so perfect for you. We all romanticize the love we once had, but if and when we get it back, we realize that it’s just the same as it was. When it comes to the past, nothing changes but how we view it. Be conscious of that.
2. Learn to differentiate between love, lust and attachment. Now, I’ll argue that love actually is a deep form of attachment, but in many ways, these three can be different, unique experiences that don’t add up to enough cause for spending the rest of your life with someone. It’s okay to be in lust. It’s okay to be attached. You don’t have to be forever though.
3. Realize that relationships aren’t supposed to make you feel good as much as they are supposed to teach you something, and to help you grow. Allow someone to be part of your story and not the tragic, final scene. Take from it what you need to learn. If it showed you all the unloving parts of yourself, work on those, that’s what it was supposed to do. We have a tendency to exacerbate relationships by the way in which we categorize them as good bad or ugly, and yet, for some reason, no matter which way we go, we always want to hold on for just a little bit longer.
4. Cut off all contact. You can’t pick and choose right now, and it’s great if you can get into a friendship one day, but until your feelings have faded, you need to take some distance. This is absolutely essential. Stop checking their social media, don’t ask friends about how they’re doing. You don’t have to be a jerk about it, and you can politely let them know that it’s best for you to take some time away from them (although it usually doesn’t go that smoothly) it’s important that it’s said and followed through with regardless.
5. Let yourself be sad. Resisting it makes it worse than it is. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve the loss of someone who was a big part of your life. Then let them go, and love yourself enough to let yourself go too. As in, let yourself walk away from them in the metaphorical sense. Nobody else will give you permission.
6. Don’t get frustrated when your thoughts inevitably keep drifting back to that person. Just let them recess and pass. This is really how you should deal with all of your negative thoughts, but doing so becomes increasingly difficult when the subject matter is something you want to cling onto like an addict. You have to embrace the fact that letting those thoughts wash over you and fade is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your post-relationship relationship.
7. Don’t expect to get over them if you’re sitting in your bed all day thinking about them. Get out and do what you love, go visit friends you’ve lost touch with. Fall in love with other things and people and yourself. There are more loves in your life other than just romantic, and when you learn to enchant yourself with them, you find yourself needing a significant other less and less.
8. Embrace that you may never get over them, but let them be a part of your story anyway. Not every love has to result in a vow to spend forever together, and it doesn’t mean that what you had wasn’t real or worthwhile or beautiful. Part of the story can be that you simply always loved them, even long after you were over, and you know what? If you ask me, no matter how it turns out in the long-run, that is the most beautiful thing you can experience: loving someone despite everything. The only catch is, you have to be able to do it in an accepting way, or you’ll bury yourself in your heartache for the rest of your life.
9. Start to detach yourself. Something we all have to come to terms with is the fact that we attach ourselves to other people in light of what we think they can provide for us– whether it’s subconscious or not, we go into near panic mode when they leave us because we don’t know how we’ll get by. But we will, because we always do.
10. Learn to take your feelings and channel them into fuel to propel you toward something greater. If anything, motivate yourself to succeed in spite of them. It’s not the most positive way of going about things (and I do believe you should really do things for yourself) but for now, while you’re struggling, it’s not the worst way to cope. Let them do what they came into your life to do: make you better, however doing so played out
***
Stop worrying, if it is supposed to happen it will.
Allow yourself to be a beginner. No one starts off being excellent.
Don't let your happiness depend on anything outside of yourself.
Stay close to everything that makes you feel alive.
Listen to your body, it will lead you to unlimited health.
Surround yourself with people who see your greatness.
Make peace with your past.
See all setbacks as growth and expansive opportunities.
See all setbacks as growth and expansive opportunities.
Comparing yourself to others will hurt your health and steal your joy.
Don't give up, EVER.
You always have a choice.
Stop chasing what’s not working.
Believe wholeheartedly in miracles.
Don't postpone joy.
Trust the universe, there is a plan greater than yours.
Wake up every morning with a grateful heart.
Remember things take time.
Always trust your gut.
No need to change people; just love them for who they are.
Don't resist change.
Forgive yourself.
Your life is a creative adventure.
Release expectations and enjoy the journey, there is no destination.
Just do you.
You're not broken or damaged.
You are perfect just the way you are.
***
Spot True Smiles
Spot The Fake Smile
Results
You got 13 out of 20 correctLook at the labels below each image to see which smiles are genuine and which are fake.
Ticks and crosses show which smiles you got right and wrong.
Click on the image if you want to see the smile again.
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Most people are surprisingly bad at spotting fake smiles. One possible explanation for this is that it may be easier for people to get along if they don't always know what others are really feeling.
Although fake smiles often look very similar to genuine smiles, they are actually slightly different, because they are brought about by different muscles, which are controlled by different parts of the brain.
Fake smiles can be performed at will, because the brain signals that create them come from the conscious part of the brain and prompt the zygomaticus major muscles in the cheeks to contract. These are the muscles that pull the corners of the mouth outwards.
Genuine smiles, on the other hand, are generated by the unconscious brain, so are automatic. When people feel pleasure, signals pass through the part of the brain that processes emotion. As well as making the mouth muscles move, the muscles that raise the cheeks – the orbicularis oculi and the pars orbitalis – also contract, making the eyes crease up, and the eyebrows dip slightly.
Lines around the eyes do sometimes appear in intense fake smiles, and the cheeks may bunch up, making it look as if the eyes are contracting and the smile is genuine. But there are a few key signs that distinguish these smiles from real ones. For example, when a smile is genuine, the eye cover fold - the fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and the eyelid - moves downwards and the end of the eyebrows dip slightly.
Scientists distinguish between genuine and fake smiles by using a coding system called the Facial Action Coding System (FACS), which was devised by Professor Paul Ekman of the University of California and Dr Wallace V. Friesen of the University of Kentucky.
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