Friendliness

The Golden Rule of Friendship: Make Others Feel Good About Themselves

The principle is straightforward. If I meet you and make you feel good about yourself, you will like me and seek every opportunity to see me again to reconstitute the same good feeling you felt the first time we met. Unfortunately, this powerful technique is seldom used because we are continually focused on ourselves and not others. We put our wants and needs before the wants and needs of others. The irony is that people will fulfill your wants and needs in any way they can if they like you.

The simple communication techniques that follow will help you keep the focus of the conversation on the person you are talking to and make them feel good about themselves.

The Big Three

Our brains continually scan the environment for friend or foe signals. People who pose a threat give off foe cues and people who do not pose a threat give off friend cues. When you meet people, ensure that you send the right nonverbal cues that signal that you are not a threat. The three primary friend cues are the eyebrow flash, head tilt, and smile.

Eyebrow Flash

The eyebrow flash is a quick up and down movement of the eyebrows. As people approach one another they eyebrow flash each other to send the message that they do not pose a threat. Since eyebrow flashes can be seen at a distance, people typically eyebrow flash as they approach others.

Head Tilt

The head tilt is a slight tilt of the head to one side or the other. This cue signals that the approaching person is not a threat because they are exposing their carotid artery. The carotid artery is the primary source for blood to reach the brain and if disrupted, causes severe brain damage or death within minutes. Exposing the carotid artery sends the signal that the person exposing their carotid artery does not pose a threat nor does the person they are approaching pose a threat.

Smile

A smile sends the message "I like you." When you smile at someone, they have a hard time not returning the smile. A smile triggers a small endorphin release in the brain, which promotes a feeling of well-being. In other words, when you smile, you feel good about yourself. This supports the notion that people will like you if you make them feel good about themselves.

Empathic Statements

Empathic statements keep the focus on the other person. Because people are typically focused on themselves, they feel good about themselves when others make them the center of attention. Empathic statements capture a person's verbal message, physical status, or emotional feeling, and, using parallel language, reflects that verbal message, physical status, or emotional feeling back to that person. Avoid repeating back word for word what the person said. Parroting can sound patronizing and sometimes condescending. The basic formula for constructing empathic statements is "So you..." This basic formula keeps the focus on the other person and away from you. We naturally tend to say something to the effect, "I understand how you feel." The other person automatically thinks, "No, you don't know how I feel because you are not me." The basic formula ensures that the focus of the conversation remains on the person you are talking to.

Example 1

George: I've been really busy this week.

Tom: So you didn't have much free time in the last few days.

Once the basic formula for empathic statements has been mastered, more sophisticated empathic statements can be constructed by dropping "So you..."

Example 2

George: I've been really busy this week.

Tom: Free time has been at a premium in the last several days.

Flattery

The most effective way to flatter people is to allow them to flatter themselves. This technique avoids the problem of appearing insincere when complimenting someone. When people compliment themselves, sincerity is not an issue and people rarely miss an opportunity to flatter themselves. Consider the following examples:

Example 1

Henry: How do you manage to stay in shape with your busy schedule?

Example 2

Vickie: I haven't met one person who didn't like your home cooked pies.

Asking a Favor

Ben Franklin observed that if he asked a colleague for a favor, the colleague liked him more than if he did not ask him for a favor. This phenomenon became known as the Ben Franklin Effect. At first glance, this seems counterintuitive. If you ask a person for a favor, you would think you would like the person more because they did you a favor; however, this is not the case. When a person does someone a favor, they feel good about themselves. The Golden Rule states that if you make a person feel good about themselves, they will like you. Asking someone to do you a favor is not all about you. It is all about the person doing you the favor. Do not overuse this technique because Ben Franklin also said, "Guests, like fish begin to smell after three days" (as do people who ask too many favors.)

Getting people to like you is easy if you follow the Golden Rule. The hard part is following the Golden Rule because we must put the interest of others above our own.

Forgiveness by Zeenat

Forgiveness is about release, releasing yourself from the self-imposed limitations and self-defeating behavior patterns that tie you to the past in unhealthy ways. Forgiveness is about releasing your anger, fear, pain and resentment and opening your heart to joy, peace and love.

It means that you will no longer allow the past to have a hold on your life; that you are willing to release the hurt and the pain; that you no longer wish to be tied to the past in a negative way; that you are freeing yourself from the ties that hold you back from living the life you deserve to live. Easy to say, not always so easy to do.

Reasons to practice forgiveness

If you have been nurturing a grudge against somebody for a while, then maybe, its time for you to let it go. It might be the healthiest decision you might make in your life!

Here’s Why: Forgiveness is the key to great emotional, psychological and physical health.

I remember an intelligent woman I counseled a few years ago who had to leave her successful career due to debilitating dizziness spells. It transpired that as a child she had been severely bullied by her elder sister. I checked with her if she was ready to forgive her estranged sister. Though she dismissed my query, she came back the following week looking visibly at peace.

It turns out that, after some deliberation she had in fact sent out a ‘forgiveness email’ to her sister. She got a prompt, warm and loving reply and suddenly felt “years of bitterness falling away”. However, what was most amazing was that there was a remarkable decline in her spells of dizziness and soon she resumed work!

Don’t underestimate the power of forgiveness

Admittedly, not all recoveries are so sensational. At times, the process of forgiveness might take a little longer.

As for unforgiving people – they are prone to cardiovascular problems, chronic back pain, impaired neurological functioning, suppressed immunity, anxiety and depression, not to mention lack of a social life, as every grudge is hoarded and nurtured till the world seems hostile.

In the past few years, I have observed many of my patients truly heal after letting go of grudges and forgiving.

Forgiveness Skills

I can say from my own experience that building my own forgiveness skills has been very liberating. I feel very much at peace with my family, friends and acquaintances.

Forgiveness should be incorporated into our personality, be made a way of life, not merely a response to specific insults.

Here are some tips to develop your forgiveness skills:

• Find time everyday to meditate. Do deep breathing and scan your mind for any resentment you are keeping locked in. Visualize it as a tight knot holding you down. Breathe into it slowly. Imagine it slowly melting away and leaving you feeling light and free.
• Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It’s not about excusing the other person or condoning the behaviors. Just letting go of your own suffering.
• If there is deep seated hostility against somebody from the past, writing a forgiveness letter to that person will help. If you do not want to mail it, then throw it or burn it and imagine your feelings of revenge disappearing too. A daily ritual of writing forgiveness notes can be a useful safety valve for your healing.
• There might be people who are insensitive, inconsiderate and abusive at times. Do not let their negative vibe rub off on you. Move to a higher level of being. Keep your mind and the energy around you free and uncontaminated.

Don’t leave yourself out of the forgiveness loop!

And most importantly of all, remember to forgive yourself, for not being perfect, for not getting over things quickly enough, for snapping at your co-worker, for . . . whatever. You deserve the same mercy, compassion and understanding as everyone else.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself – the gift of freedom from negativity to the safety, comfort and joy of positivity and happiness.

Dumbell Exercises

Chest Exercises

Flat Dumbell Press
Works the pectorals, triceps and the anterior deltoid (front of shoulder).
1. Lying flat on a bench, hold the weights directly above your chest, arms extended and palms facing towards your feet.
2. Lower the weights to your chest under control.
3. Press the dumbells back up to the starting position and repeat.
4. Avoid locking your elbows. This keeps the tension in your pectoral muscles and prevents joint damage.

Incline Dumbell Press
A variation of the flat press, this exercise works the upper pectorals, triceps and the anterior deltoid.
1. Adjust the bench to an incline of 30 to 45 degrees.
2. Perform a dumbell press as described above.

Flat Flies
1. Lying flat on a bench, hold the weights directly above your chest. Palms facing towards each other.
2. Bend your elbows slightly and maintain this flexion for the rest of the exercise.
3. Open your arms in an arc lowering the weights. Your elbows should remain 'locked' in a slightly bent position. Imagine opening your arms to give someone a hug and you won't go far wrong!
4. When your upper arms are parallel to the floor, use the same movement to return the weights to the starting position and repeat.

Incline Flies
1. Adjust the bench to an incline of 30 to 45 degrees.
2. Perform the exercise described above.


Shoulder Exercises

Seated Shoulder Press
Works all 3 heads of the deltoid (shoulder) muscle.
1. Sit upright on the end of the bench with the dumbells extended directly above your head. Make sure your back is not rounded. Adjust the bench so it forms an upright chair to support your back if necessary.
2. Lower the weights slowly and under control to your shoulders.
3. When your arms are bent to 90 degrees, press the dumbells back up without locking your elbows and repeat.

Lateral Raises
1. Stand upright, knees slightly bent and shoulder width apart, holding the dumbells at your sides.
2. Bend you elbows slightly and raise the dumbells out to the side. Keep you elbows slightly bent as you do this.
3. When your arms are parallel to the floor, slowly lower the weights back down and repeat.
4. If you catch yourself arching your back, dipping your knees or bringing your shoulders back use a lighter weight.

Reverse Flies
Works the posterior (rear) deltoid. The exercise is performed as its name suggests. It's simply a chest fly in reverse.
1. Sit on the edge of a bench, feet flat on the floor and knees bent at right angles. Bend right over so your chest is almost resting on your thighs.
2. Hold 2 dumbells next to your feet and bend your arms slightly. Open your arms out in an arc keeping your elbows bent.
3. When your arms are parallel to the floor slowly lower the weights back to the ground with the same motion.
4. You can and should only use a light weight for this exercise. If you find it places too much strain on your lower back try this variation...

Adjust the bench as though you are about to perform an incline dumbell press. Lie face down and let your arms hang down so your knuckles brush the floor. From here perform the movement described above.

Front Raises
Isolates the anterior (front) deltoids.
1. Stand upright, knees slightly bent and shoulder width apart. Hold the dumbells at against your thighs. Your palms should be towards your body.
2. Starting with your weaker side and keeping your arm straight, raise the weight directly in front of you.
3. When your arm is parallel to the ground lower the weight slowly back to the starting position. Repeat with the other arm.
4. Avoid the tendency to arch your lower back on the last few repetitions. You will be able to handle more weight on the concentric phase (lifting the weight up) of this exercise. Make sure you can lower (eccentric phase) the dumbell under control before you progress to a higher weight


Back Exercises

Dead Lifts
Works the lower back and hamstrings. Be very careful with this exercise. If you have a history of back pain leave this one alone.
1. Stand upright, feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent. Hold 2 dumbells against your thighs.
2. Use your lower back to lower the weights down your leg. Your back must remain flat, the lower back arched inwards slightly. Do not round it. Keep your head up, right throughout the movement.
3. Only lower the weights as far as is comfortable even if that's only as far as your knees.
4. Stand upright using your lower back, maintaining a flat back and bent knees and keeping your head up.

Single Arm Row
1. Stand upright with the bench next to your left leg. Bend your left leg and rest it on the bench. Bend from your lower back and support yourself by placing your left hand on the bench. Your upper body should be parallel to the ground.
2. Hold the weight in your right hand and let it hang down so it's just off the floor. Your palm should be facing towards the bench.
3. Keeping your elbow tucked into your side raise the weight up to your midsection.
4. Slowly lower the weight to the start position and repeat. After the desired number of repetitions repeat for the other arm.

Lying Bent Over Row
This is the same movement as the single arm row except you can work both arms at once whilst supporting your back.
1. Set the bench to a 30-45 degree incline.
2. Lie face down. Holding 2 dumbells let your arms hang down so your knuckles brush the floor. Your palms should be facing towards your feet.
3. Pull the dumbells up towards your chest and to the sides of the bench.
4. Slowly lower the weights back down and repeat.


Trapezius Exercises

Upright Row
1. Stand upright, feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent. Hold 2 dumbells against your thighs.
2. Keeping the weights close to your body, raise the dumbells up to your chin.
3. Hold for a count of 2 and slowly lower to the start position and repeat.

Shrugs
1. Stand upright, feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent. Hold 2 dumbells against your thighs.
2. Keeping your arms straight 'shrug' your shoulders as high as they will go and hold for a count of 2.
3. Relax and repeat.
4. Do not roll your shoulders backwards as you shrug up. This can cause damage to your rotator cuff muscles over time.


Biceps Exercises

Decline Seated Bicep Curls
1. Adjust the bench to a 45 degree incline.
2. In this 'declined' seated position hold a dumbell in either hand at your sides. Your arms should be fully extended.
3. Keep your elbows close to your body and curl the weight up.
4. Slowly lower the weight and repeat.

Hammer curls
1. Stand upright with a dumbell in either hand at your sides.
2. Turn your palms inward so they are facing your body. Your palms should be facingeach other right throughout the exercise.
3. Curl the weights up slowly keeping your elbows locked at your sides. There should be no movement from shoulder.
4. You can perform this exercise one or two arms at a time.

Preacher Curls
1. Set the bench so the back rest is at approximately 45 degrees.
2. Stand behind the bench. Holding a dumbell rest the back of your upper arm on the back rest, your arm fully extended.
3. Keeping the back of your upper arm firmly against the back rest curl the weight up towards your face.
4. As you complete the curl you will notice the movement becomes easier. Slowly lower the weight until your arm is not quite fully extended and repeat for the desired number of reps before switching arms.

Concentration Curls
Some dumbell exercises are difficult to describe on paper but eay when you see it. This is one of them (images for all dumbell exercises are on their way). For now let's give it a shot...
1. Sit on the very edge of the bench with your feet flat on the floor and about 2 feet apart.
2. Holding a dumbell in your right hand place your right elbow on the inside of your right thigh, just above your knee. Support your back by placing your left hand on your left knee. Your right palm should be facing towards your left ankle.
3. From here use only your biceps to curl the weight up towards your face. Do not swing back as you lift the weight.
4. Slowly lower the weight and repeat for the desired number of reps before switching to your left arm.


Triceps Exercises

Overhead Triceps Extension
1. Stand upright, feet shoulder width apart with a dumbell in your right hand.
2. Hold the weight directly above your head with your right arm fully extended. Clasp your right elbow with your left hand. Your left forearm should be infront of your face.
3. Slowly let your right elbow fold so that the weight is lowered behind your head. From this position extend your arm back to the starting position. Repeat for the desired number of reps and then switch arms.

French Press
1. Lie flat on a bench with a dumbell in either hand. Hold the weights directly above your chest with palms facing each other. The weights should be just about touching each other.
2. Keeping your shoulders locked, let your elbows fold so the weights are lowered down to either side of your head.
3. Extend both your arms back to the start position and repeat.
4. Make sure there is no shoulder movement on this exercise. The movement should come purely from your elbows.

Kickbacks
1. Stand upright with the bench next to your left leg. Bend your left leg and rest it on the bench. Bend from your lower back and support yourself by placing your left hand on the bench. Your upper body should be parallel to the ground.
2. Hold the weight in your right hand and raise your elbow so your upper arm is parallel to the ground. Your elbow should also be bent at right angles. Think of holding a pool cue ready to make a shot. In fact the movement is exactly the same...
3. Extend your elbow so now your entire arm is parallel to the ground.
4. Slowly return the weight to the start position and repeat for the desired number of reps before switching arms.


Leg Exercises

Half Squats
One of the best dumbell exercises for working the entire lower body. Works the quadriceps, hamstrings, glutes and lower back.
1. Holding a dumbell in either hand at your sides, stand upright with your feet shoulder width apart.
2. Bend from the knees until your thighs are almost parallel to the ground.
3. It is essential that you keep your back flat (not rounded), lower back slightly arched inwards and your head up.
4. Return to an upright position and repeat.

Lunges
1. Holding a dumbell in either hand at your sides, stand upright with your feet slightly less than shoulder width apart.
2. Step forward about 2 feet with your right foot. As you plant your right foot bend your right knee to about 90 degrees. Your left knee will bend automatically and should just touch the floor.
3. Push off with your right foot to return to the starting position.
4. You can alternate legs or perform all the reps on one leg at a time.


Calf Exercises

Single Leg Calf Raise
1. Set the back rest if the bench to an upright position. Holding a dumbell in your right hand at your side, stand upright and place your left hand on the top of the bench for support.
2. Stand on just your right leg. Rest your left foot on your right calf muscle.
3. Stand up on the tip of right toe using the bench to balance yourself. Be sure not to push yourself up with your hand, that defeats the object!
4. Slowly lower your self to the ground and repeat.

Seated Calf Press
1. Sit on the edge of the bench, feet flat on the floor about 12 inches apart.
2. Rest a dumbell on either thigh while you keep hold of them.
3. While staying seated raise heels by just using your toes... in effect you are standing on your tip toes while staying seated.
4. Lower your heels to the ground and repeat.