Sleep : 16 Things To Know

Burt Goldman - The Five Rules of Happiness

You know when you're happy, and certainly no one has to tell you when you're sad. But what is it that makes a person happy?

It is important to realize that what makes you happy might depress another person. There are people, because of guilt, a feeling they do not deserve what they have, or a feeling they will lose what they have that makes them unhappy when they should be happy.

Possessions are a poor measure of happiness. Possessions are subjective and relative to the individual and the individual's viewpoint. Instead, we will use a philosophy as an example.

This philosophy is about enjoying things you like, avoiding or changing things you do not like, and accepting what you cannot avoid or change by the skillful use of your viewpoint. The use of this philosophy, as embodied in the five rules, will allow you to test many problem areas in your life and find solutions. With this philosophy, you will be well on your way on your pursuit of happiness.

Rule Number One: If You Like a Thing, Enjoy It.

Now that seems outrageously simple. At first you might say, "That's ridiculous, of course if I like something I'm going to enjoy it." But when you stop to think about it you'll probably agree that there are many things in life that we like but don't enjoy. The reasons we don't enjoy things we like are (a) guilt, and (b) fear. You will not enjoy something you like if you feel guilty after having done the thing, or if you are fearful of the consequences of doing it.

Rule Number Two: If You Don't Like a Thing, Avoid It.

The second rule seems simple enough, but reflect for a moment on how many people are involved with things they do not like — a job, a person, a vehicle, a type of food, any one of a thousand things — and for some reason they don't avoid those things. "Well, I can't avoid it. I have to work there because I need the money." Or, "I have to be involved with this person for many valid reasons." How many justifications can you think of for not avoiding the things you do not like to do?

Rule Number Three: If You Don't Like a Thing, and You Cannot Avoid It, Change It.

Here again, the answer is simple: change it. But just as in avoidance we rationalize that we need something about it — the money, the time, the security — something is holding you to that particular thing if you don't like it, cannot avoid it, won't change it, but are still involved with it.

Rule Number Four: If You Don't Like a Thing, Cannot Avoid It, and Cannot or will Not Change It, Accept It.

Acceptance — now there is a catch. How can you accept something you don't like? How in the world do you accept something that is 'unacceptable'? How do you accept a situation that you're not happy with? How do you accept a person that you're not happy with? Well, you really don't have to accept anything; you can, of course, be unhappy. If you don't like it, won't change it, cannot avoid it, and will not accept it, I guarantee that you will be unhappy. There are, however, five rules to the secret of happiness, and within the fifth lies the key.

Rule Number Five: You Accept a Thing By Changing Your Attitude Towards It.

You are the result of your viewpoints and attitudes. Everything is relative to the person experiencing it. There are no absolutes — nothing is good, nothing bad, except as it relates to you. Nor is life good or bad. Life simply is. You change those things you wish by changing your viewpoint about them.

How easy!
How difficult!

Your attitudes and viewpoints are all part of your mind and once you develop the power of self mind control you will be the master of your own attitudes and viewpoints. Using these five rules you'll soon find yourself on the right path on the pursuit of happiness. You'll realize why people are unhappy. Eventually it will become automatic, and you'll find happiness a predominant state of mind. Once you realize the ease of acquiring this emotion, you develop an entirely new scale of highs and lows.

Unremitting happiness, of course, is not a possible or desirable state. According to the principle of rhythm, there is always an inflow and outflow, an ebb tide and a flood tide. You'll always have highs and lows — there's no way to avoid that. However, your highs will be higher and your lows will be higher. You'll then find that what is a happy state for you might be a state of depression for someone unaware of the Five Rules of Happiness.

Author Unknown - The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Don Miguel Ruiz - The Four Agreements

In the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, the four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.

The Four Agreements

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity Say only what you mean, Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won`t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want, Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, sell-abuse, and regret.


Domestication and the Dream of the Planet

• Dreaming is the main function of the mind, and the mind dreams twenty-four hours a day.
• Before we were born the humans before us created a big outside dream that we will call society’s dream or the dream of the planet.
• The dream of the planet is the collective dream of billions of smaller, personal dreams. This includes all of society’s rules, its beliefs, its religions, its different cultures and way to be, its governments, schools, social events, and holidays.
• The outside dream has so many rules that when a new human is born, we hook the child’s attention and introduce these rules to his or her mind.
• Attention is the ability we have to discriminate and to focus only on that which we want to perceive. The adults around us hooked our attention and put information into our minds through repetition. That is the way we leaned everything we know.
• We learned how to behave in society: what to believe and what not to believe; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable; what is good and what is bad; what is beautiful and what is ugly; what is right and what is wrong.
• Our parents, teachers, and siblings were all trying to hook your attention. We also learn to hook the attention of other humans, and we develop a need for attention, which can become competitive. The need for attention becomes very strong and continues into adulthood.
• The outside dream hooks our attention and teaches us what to believe, beginning with the language we speak. Language is the code for understanding and communication between humans. Every letter, every word in each language is an agreement. Once we understand the code, our attention is hooked and the energy is transferred from one person to another.
• As children, we didn’t have the opportunity to choose our beliefs, but we agreed with the information that was passed to us from the dream of the planet through other humans. The only way to store information is by agreement. As soon as we agree, we believe it, and this is called faith. To have faith is to believe unconditionally.
• That’s how we learn as children. Children believe everything adults say. The result is surrender to the beliefs with our agreement.
• Don Miguel Ruiz calls this process the domestication of humans. And through this domestication we learn to live and how to dream. And we also learn to judge: We judge ourselves, judge other people, and judge the neighbors.
• We train our children whom we love so much the same way we train any domesticated animal: with a system of punishment and reward. When we went against the rules we were punished; when we went along with the rules we got a reward. Soon we became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward. The reward is the attention that we got from others. We soon develop a need to hook other people’s attention in order to get the reward.
• With that fear of being punished and that fear of not getting the reward, we start pretending to be what we are not, just to please others, just to be good enough for someone else. We are afraid of being rejected. The fear of being rejected becomes the fear of not being good enough. Eventually we become someone that we are not.
• All our normal tendencies are lost in the process of domestication.
• The domestication is so strong that at a certain point in our life we no longer need anyone to domesticate us. We are so well trained that we are our own domesticator. We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same belief system we were given, and using the same punishment and reward. The belief system is like a Book of Law that rules our mind. We base all of our judgments according to the Book of Law.
• The inner Judge uses what is in our Book of Law to judge everything we do and don’t do, everything we think and don’t think, and everything we feel and don’t feel. Everything lives under the tyranny of this judge.
• There is another part of us that receives the judgments, and this part is called the Victim. The Victim carries the blame, the guilt, and the shame. Our childhood beliefs are based on a belief system that we never chose to believe. These beliefs are so strong, that even years later when we are exposed to new concepts and try to make our own decisions, we find that these beliefs still control our lives.
• Breaking the rules in the Book of Law opens your emotional wounds. Even if the Book of Law is wrong, it makes you feel safe. Our belief system is the Book of Laws that rules our personal dream. All these laws exist in our mind, we believe them, and the Judge inside us bases everything on these rules.
• True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. Every time we remember a mistake, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again.
• How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake?
• The Judge in the mind is wrong because the belief system, the Book of Law, is wrong. Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because believe all these lies.
• Every human has his or her personal dream, and just like the society dream, it is often ruled by fear. The same fears manifest in different ways for each person but we experience anger, jealousy, hate, envy, and other negative emotions.
• All of humanity is searching for truth, justice, and beauty. We don’t see the truth because we are blind. What blinds us are all those false beliefs we have in our mind. We have the need to be right and to make others wrong. Our beliefs set us up for suffering.
• To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; the biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are. We have learned to live our life trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.
• During the process of domestication we create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view.
• Not being perfect, we reject ourselves. We are not good enough for ourselves because we don’t fit with our own image of perfection. We feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. The result is that we feel unauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this. We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be. We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and they naturally fall short of our expectations.
• Humans punish themselves endlessly for not being what they believe they should be. Nobody ever abuses us more than we abuse ourselves, and it is the Judge, the Victim, and the belief systems that make us do this.
• We have the need to be accepted and loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal.
• There are thousands of agreements you have made with yourself, with other people, with your dream of life, with God, with society, with your parents, with your spouse, with your children. But the most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave.
• If you want to life a life of joy and fulfillment, you have to find the courage to break those agreements that are fear-based and claim your personal power. Our personal power is dissipated by all the agreements we have created, and the result is that we feel powerless.
• If we can see it is our agreements, which rule our life, and we don’t like the dream of our life, we need to change the agreements. When we are finally ready to change our agreements, there are four very powerful agreements that will help us break those agreements that come from fear and deplete our energy.
• If you adopt these four new agreements, they will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements.
• If you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing.

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word

• Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of the word in the direction of truth and love.
• The first agreement is the most important one and also the most difficult one to honor. It is very, very powerful.
• Through the word you express your creative power. It is through the word that you manifest everything. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.
• The word is so powerful that one word can change a life or destroy the lives of millions of people. Hitler’s word, based on fear-generated beliefs and agreements, will be remembered for centuries.
• During our domestication, our parents and siblings gave their opinions about us without even thinking. We believed these opinions and we lived in fear over these opinions, like not being good at swimming or writing.
• By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better or worse. For example: You may believe you are stupid. And you may have believed this for as long as you can remember. This belief may cause you to do a lot of things just to ensure that you are stupid. Then one day, someone hooks your attention and using the word, let’s you know that you are not stupid. You believe what the person says and make a new agreement. As a result you no longer feel or act, and someone hooks your attention and says, “Yes, you are really the most stupid person I have ever met,” the agreement will be reinforced and become even stronger.
• Impeccability means “without sin”. A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself. You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything. Being without sin is exactly the opposite. Being impeccable is not going against yourself. You take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.
• Sin begins with rejection of yourself. Self-rejection is the biggest sin that you can commit.
• If I love myself I will express that love in my interactions with you, and then I am being impeccable with the word, because that action will produce a like reaction. If I love you, then you will love me.
• Being impeccable with your word is the correct use of your energy; it means to use your energy in the direction of truth and love for yourself. If you make an agreement with yourself to be impeccable with your word, just with that intention, the truth will manifest through you and clean all the emotional poison that exists within you. But making this agreement is difficult because we have learned to do precisely the opposite.
• We must begin to understand what the word is and what the word does. If you understand the first agreement, be impeccable with your word, you begin to see all the changes that can happen in your life. Changes first in the way you deal with yourself, and later in the way you deal with other people, especially those you love the most.
• If we adopt the first agreement, and become impeccable with our word, any emotional poison will eventually be cleaned from our mind and from our communication in our personal relationships.
• Impeccability of the word will also give you immunity from anyone putting a negative spell on you. You will receive a negative idea if your mind is fertile ground for that idea.
• You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word. When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good; you feel happy and at peace.
• It is up to you to make this agreement with yourself: I am impeccable with my word. Nurture this seed, as it grows in your mind, it will generate more seeds of love to replace the seeds of fear. This first agreement will change the kind of seeds your mind is fertile for.
• Be impeccable with your word. This is the first agreement that you should make if you want to be free, if you want to be happy.
• Use the word to share your love, beginning with yourself. Use the word to break all those teeny, tiny agreements that make you suffer.
• Impeccability of the word can lead you to personal freedom, to huge success and abundance; it can take away all fear and transform it into joy and love.

The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally

• Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. 
• The next three agreements are really born from the first agreement. The second agreement is don’t take anything personally.
• Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me”. During the period of our domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything.
• Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. The opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication.
• When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving them your own opinions. Whatever you feel and do is just a projection of your own personal dream, a reflection of your own agreements.
• It is not important to me what you think about, and I don’t take what you think personally. I know what I am. I don’t have the need to be accepted. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them. 
• Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don’t take it personally. If they tell you how wonderful you are, they are no saying that because of you. You know you are wonderful. It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful.
• Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don’t need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally. 
• There may be times when you have ideas that don’t originate in your mind, but you are perceiving them with your mind. We have a choice whether or not to believe the voices we hear within our own minds, just as we have a choice of what to believe and agree with in the dream of the planet.
• When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many aspects in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don’t take things personally. 
• You can see how important this agreement is. Taking nothing personally helps you to break many habits and routines that trap you in the dream of hell and cause needless suffering. Just by practicing this second agreement you begin to break dozens of teeny, tiny, agreements that cause you to suffer. And if you practice the first two agreements, you will break seventy-five percent of the teeny, tiny agreements that keep you trapped.
• As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you will only need to place your trust in what others say or do. You will only need to trust your-self to make responsible choices.

The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions

• Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 
• We have our tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. 
• Whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.
• The whole world of control between humans is about making assumptions and taking things personally.
• Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and we believe we are right about the assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering. 
• It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption. In any kind of relationship we can make the assumption that others know what we think, and we don’t have to say what we want. They are going to do what we want because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we want, what we assume they should do, we feel hurt. A whole drama is created because we make this assumption and then put more assumptions on top of it.
• The human mind needs to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind can’t explain. It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself makes us feel safe. This is why we make assumptions.
• Even if we hear something and we don’t understand, we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.
• These assumptions are made so fast and unconsciously most of the time because we have agreements to communicate this way. We have agreed that it is not safe to ask questions; we have agreed that if people love us, they should know what we want or how we feel. When we believe something, we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our positions. 
• We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. 
• We also make assumptions about ourselves, and this creates a lot of inner conflict. 
• Just imagine the day you stop making assumptions with your partner and eventually with everyone else in your life. Your way of communicating will change completely, and your relationships will no longer suffer from conflicts by mistaken assumptions.
• The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. Have the courage to ask the questions until you are clear as you can be, and then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Once you hear the answer, you will not have to make assumptions because you will know the truth.
• Without making assumptions your word becomes impeccable. 
• With clear communications, all your relationships will change. 
• Becoming aware of these habits and understanding the importance of this agreement is the first step. What will really make a difference is action. After many repetitions these new agreements will become second nature. 
• By making this one agreement a habit, your whole life will be completely transformed.

The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

• Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
• This agreement allows the other three to become deeply ingrained habits. The fourth agreement is about the action of the first three: Always do your best. 
• Keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.
• Your best will also change over time. As you build the habit of the four agreements, your best will become better than it used to be.
• Just do your best – in any circumstance of your life. If you always do your best then there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don’t judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break a big spell that you have been under. 
• Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. When you always do your best, you will take action. Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. If you take action just for the sake of doing it, without expecting a reward, you will find that you enjoy every action you do. Rewards will come, but you are not attached to the reward. If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. We are having fun, we don’t get bored, and we don’t have frustrations.
• It is not an easy agreement to keep, but this agreement is really going to set you free.
• When you do your best you learn to accept yourself. But you have to be aware and learn from your mistakes. Learning from your mistakes means you practice, look honestly at the results, and keep practicing. This increases your awareness. 
• Taking action is being alive. It’s taking the risk to go out and express your dream.
• The first three agreements will only work if you do your best. By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time.
• If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of transformation. Everything you have ever learned, you learned through repetition. Action is what makes the difference.
• If you break an agreement, begin again tomorrow, and again the next day. Some day you will discover that you are ruling your life with these Four Agreements. Just live one day at a time and stay in the present moment.

The Toltec Path to Freedom: Breaking Old Agreements

• To be Toltec is a way of life. It is a way of life where there are no leaders and no followers, where you have your own truth and live your own truth. There are three masteries that lead people to become Toltec: 
• First is the Mastery of Awareness. This is to be aware of who we really are, with all the possibilities.
• The second is the Mastery of Transformation – how to change, how to be free of domestication.
• The third is the Mastery of Intent. Intent from the Toltec point of view is that part of life that makes transformation of energy possible; it is the one living being that seamlessly encompasses all energy, or what we call “God”. Intent is life itself; it is unconditional love. The Mastery of Intent is therefore the Mastery of Love. When we talk about the Toltec path to freedom, we find that they have an entire map for breaking free of domestication. They compare the Judge, the victim, and the belief system to a parasite that invades the human mind. The food for the parasite is the negative emotions that come from fear.
• The Toltecs believe that the parasite has control of your mind. 
• The freedom we seek is to use our own mind and body, to live our own life, instead of the life of the belief system.
• We have two choices. One is to keep living the way we are, to surrender to the Judge, and the victim, to keep living in the dream of the planet. The second choice is to do what we do as children when parents try to domesticate us. We can rebel and say “No!”
• If we want to be free, we have to destroy the parasite. One solution is to face each of our fears, one by one. This is a slow process but it works. 
• The second approach is to stop feeding the parasite – to gain control of our emotions; we have to refrain from fueling the emotions that come from fear. The third solution is the initiation of the dead – a symbolic death which kills the parasite without harming our physical body.
• The process of domestication can be called the dream of the first attention because it was how your attention was used for the first time to create the first dream of your life.
• One way to change your beliefs is to focus you attention on all those agreements and beliefs, and change the agreements with yourself. In doing this you are using your attention for the second time, thus creating the dream of the second attention or the new dream.
• The difference is that you are no longer innocent. Now it’s up to you to choose what to believe and what not to believe, and that includes believing in your self. 
• The first step is to come aware of the fig that is in your mind. Only with awareness do you have the possibility of transforming your dream. If you have the awareness that the whole drama of your life is the result of what you believe, and what you believe is not real, then you can begin to change it. You need to focus your attention on what it is that you want to change. You have to know which agreements you want to change before you can change them.
• So the next step is to develop awareness of all the self-limiting beliefs that make you unhappy. You take an inventory of all that you believe, all your agreements, and through this process you begin the transformation. The Toltecs call this the Art of Transformation. One of the ways to do this is to explore and adopt alternative beliefs such as the four Agreements.
• The four Agreements were created to assist you in the Art of Transformation, to help you break the limiting agreements, gain more personal power, and become stronger. The stronger you get, the more agreements you can break until the moment comes when you make it to the core of all those agreements.

Drink Water

Drink 8 Glasses of Water

Stop Smoking Stop Drinking

Stop Smoking!

Stop Drinking!

Running

Running, like all forms of regular exercise, can effectively slow or reverse the effects of aging. Some other benefits include potential weight loss, improved cardiovascular health, increased muscle mass, increased bone density, and an improved emotional state. Following a consistent routine of running can increase HDL levels, reducing the risks of cardiovascular disease.

Running can assist people in losing weight and staying in shape. Running increases your metabolism. Different speeds and distances are appropriate for different individual health and fitness levels. For new runners, it takes time to get into shape. The key is consistency and a slow increase in speed and distance. While running, it is best to pay attention to how one's body feels. If a runner is gasping for breath or feels exhausted while running, it may be beneficial to slow down or try a shorter distance for a few weeks. If a runner feels that the pace or distance is no longer challenging, then the runner may want to speed up or run farther.

Running can also have psychological benefits, as many participants in the sport report feeling an elated, euphoric state, often referred to as a "runner's high". Running is frequently recommended as therapy for people with clinical depression and people coping with addiction. A possible benefit may be the enjoyment of nature and scenery, which also improves psychological well-being.

Running Posture

1. S-like body position with slightly bent knees
2. Forward lean from the ankles to employ gravity and work with it not against it
3. Pulling or lifting feet up under the hip not behind the buttocks
4. Ball of foot landing under the body's GCM - general center of mass.

Breathing Technique

1. Breathe in rhythm with foot strike on a ratio of 3:2; for three steps inhale and for two steps exhale.
2. For a faster pace of running use 2:1 rhythmic breathing.
3. Diaphragmatic breathing from the depths of the stomach, and not the chest.
4. Breathe through the nose and mouth.

Warm Up and Stretching

1. Warm up with Jumping Jacks 1x50 before the run.
2. Stretch the quadriceps, hamstrings and calves before the run.
3. Walk for 5 minutes before the run.
4. Stretch the quadriceps, hamstrings and calves after the run.

High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT)

HIIT is an exercise strategy that is intended to improve performance with short training sessions. HIIT is a form of cardio which is beneficial to burning fat in a short and intense workout. Usual HIIT sessions may vary from 9–20 minutes. The original protocol set a 2:1 ratio for work to recovery periods. For example, a runner would alternate 15-20 seconds of hard sprinting with 10 seconds of jogging or walking.

1. 5 minutes warm up of walk to jog.
2. 30 seconds sprint by 30 second walk; repeat 6 ~ 8 times
3. 5 minutes cool down of jog to walk.

Beginner HIIT Workout

Intermediate HIIT Workout

Advance HIIT Workout

Tabata HIIT Workout

Bodyweight Exercises

Calisthenics are a form of dynamic exercise consisting of a variety of simple, often rhythmical, movements, generally using minimal equipment or apparatus. They are intended to increase body strength and flexibility with movements such as bending, jumping, swinging, twisting or kicking, using only one's body weight for resistance. They are usually conducted in concert with stretches. Calisthenics when performed vigorously and with variety can benefit both muscular and cardiovascular fitness, in addition to improving psycho-motor skills such as balance, agility and coordination.

Plyometrics is a type of exercise training designed to produce fast, powerful movements, and improve the functions of the nervous system, generally for the purpose of improving performance in sports. Plyometric movements, in which a muscle is loaded and then contracted in rapid sequence, use the strength, elasticity and innervation of muscle and surrounding tissues to jump higher, run faster, throw farther, or hit harder, depending on the desired training goal. Plyometrics is used to increase the speed or force of muscular contractions, providing explosiveness for a variety of sport-specific activities.

Isometrics are a type of strength training in which the joint angle and muscle length do not change during contraction (compared to concentric or eccentric contractions, called dynamic/isotonic movements). Isometrics are done in static positions, rather than being dynamic through a range of motion. The joint and muscle are either worked against an immovable force (overcoming isometric) or are held in a static position while opposed by resistance (yielding isometric).

Warm-up

• Jumping Jacks 1x30
• Burpee 1x10

Upper Body Exercises

• Underhand Chin Ups 2x10
• Supine Row 2x10
• Bench Dips 1x30
• Decline Push Ups 2x10
• Push Ups 2x10
• Chest Dips 2x10
• Handstand Press 2x10
• Inverted Row 2x10

Core & Lower Body Exercises

• Plank 2x2min
• Side Plank 2x2min
• Hanging Leg-Hip Raise 2x10
• Step Ups 2x20
• Squat Jumps 2x20
• Ankle Bounce 1x100
• Ankle Jumps 1x50

Mucus Cleansing Foods

Mucus is a problem that ails many people. From the common cold to asthma, mucus presents a problem because it constricts the airways. Chronic sinusitis produces snoring, coughing, hacking and both stuffy and runny noses. There are natural ways to prevent or even eliminate the problem, all through the consumption of proper foods.


What is Mucus?
Mucus is a thick fluid secreted by various cells that line body organs. The thick fluid is made up of water, salt, mucin and other small cells. Mucus is important because it keeps the body from drying out. Normal mucus is clear. The problem occurs when thicker, excess mucus does not allow the sinuses to drain properly. In addition, when mucus turns another color other than clear, an infection is present. When irritants such as mold, smoke or pet dander are inhaled, they become trapped in the mucus.


The Food Connection
Foods have a direct impact on the sinuses and mucus. Dairy foods increase mucus production while fresh fruits and vegetables aid in the elimination. Drinking teas can also aid in the elimination of excess mucus. The temperature of consumed foods can also make a big difference. Cold foods constrict the passageways, while warmed foods thin and open airways. Thinning the mucus makes elimination possible.

A Perfect Fruit for Sufferers
Fresh pineapples remove mucus from the body. Pineapple is a boon to asthmatics and sinus sufferers. The key element in pineapple is the bromelain. Bromelain is a proteolytic enzyme that breaks down proteins. It can aid the body heal from bronchitis and pneumonia as well. Fresh pineapple properties also act as anti-inflammatory agents, which can also reduce the swelling in air passages, making breathing easier and aiding in elimination.

Other Mucus-Relief Fruits
Vitamin C can lessen or halt a cold. Other fruits, while not containing bromelain, have vitamin C properties. Vitamin C in adequate dosages can prevent or lessen the effects of a cold. All citrus fruits are natural boons to allergy and cold sufferers. Grapefruit in particular reduces salt in the body and will speed elimination of thick mucus and swelling, as it is also a natural anti-inflammatory. Other vitamin C bonanzas are lemons, limes and oranges. Try squeezing a slice of these natural mucus warriors into every glass of water. Fresh lemons squeezed into hot water will loosen phlegm. Fresh watermelon juice is effective at reducing toxins and symptoms.

Vegetables
Fresh vegetables should be a mainstay in a healthy diet. Vegetables provide a wonderful defense against mucus and nasal allergies. Unlike other over-processed foods, fresh veggies abound in sinus-friendly dietetic choices. A steaming vegetable soup filled with fresh vegetables can significantly make the mucus move along and dissolve. Some vegetables with powerful elimination properties are asparagus, onions, cauliflower, celery and garlic. Fresh green vegetables are better immunity boosters, as they contain chlorophyll. Fruits do not contain this powerful antioxidant.

Warm and Spicy
Spicy foods help thin mucus. Heat dissolves mucus. Warm pureed soups of vegetables are a delicious and soothing way to remove mucus from the body. Turn up the heat with spices like garlic and pepper. The lungs lie just above the digestive track and the heat of these will aid in elimination. Another aid is ginger and a pinch of it in a daily diet may chase the mucus away. Reduce sugars and salts as seasonings as these increase mucus production. Season foods with herbs and spices. Herbal teas aid as well.

Foods to Avoid
The main food group to avoid during a bout of sinusitis is dairy. Removing milk during this time can slow down mucus production. Cheese and yogurt should be avoided as well. Stick to whole grain breads and avoid refined sugars in white flour and bread. Chocolate, with its high concentration of refined sugars, should be avoided as well. Yeast products should not be a part of the diet during a cold. Instead, focus on lightly steamed fresh vegetables, whole-grain rice and fresh fruit. Canned vegetables and fruit are cooked during processing, losing much of the nutritive value. Canned foods uses salt as a primary preservative--fresh is better.

Effective Muscle Buliding Exercises

DEADLIFT

Not many weight training exercises work as many muscle groups and build muscle as fast as the deadlift. The neck, traps, upper, middle, and lower back, glutes, hamstrings, quads, biceps, forearms, and abs are all utilized in the deadlift.

No other exercise is a better test of overall body power. While uninformed people always ask, "how much can you bench," the question they really should ask is, "how much can you deadlift?"

A deadlift is the most basic exercise anyone can do. Bending down and picking a weight up off the floor is the one weight training exercise that mimics everyday real life situations. Most people will rarely find themselves on their back needing to push a heavyweight off their chest but everyone has to bend down and pick things up. If you could only do one exercise to build muscle this would be the one to do.


SQUAT

The squat has been known for years as the "king of all muscle building exercises" and for good reason. I'm not talking about sissy boy half squats either; I'm talking about real below parallel, full squats. If you don't at least break parallel it's not a squat. Like deadlifts, squats involve an enormous amount of muscle mass and stimulate the release of anabolic hormones such as testosterone.

This is great for building muscle fast. The squat is probably the most revered exercise among serious lifters and the power rack is considered our sacred ground. If you ever want to develop any kind of real lower body strength and build muscle fast, you have no choice but to squat.


GOOD MORNINGS

Although they are a rarely performed weight training exercise by a large majority of bodybuilders, good mornings remain one of the staples of a good size and strength gaining program. Powerlifters seem to be the only ones who know about the muscle building properties of this outstanding exercise. The reason this muscle building exercise is often avoided is that good mornings are brutally hard work. But that hard work brings huge rewards.

Good mornings will build muscle fast and pack tons of size on your lower back, glutes, and hamstrings. They are also one of the best weight training exercises to help improve your squat and deadlift, which is the main reason they are a mainstay in powerlifting.


CHIN UP

Not many exercises will build muscle in the upper body like chin ups. Known as the upper body squat, chins stimulate nearly every muscle from the traps down to the abdominals. Any exercise that allows you to move your body through space as opposed to moving a weight or fixed implement around you has a much higher degree of neuromuscular activation, and therefore a much greater potential to elicit gains in size and strength.

Look at the development of male gymnasts and you will see for yourself what years of chin ups and dips can do for the upper body. If you want to build muscle fast, be sure to include chin ups in your weight training program.


BENT OVER ROWS

When it comes to building muscle in the upper back and lats, bent over rows are hard to beat. This weight training exercise can be performed many different ways; palms up, palms down, wide grip, close grip, to the abdomen, to the sternum, with an ez bar or with a straight bar. However you do them, nothing will develop thickness in the back like rows will, and anyone who has been involved with bodybuilding for a while will tell you there is nothing more impressive than a well developed back, muscular back.


HANG CLEAN AND PUSH PRESS

A total body muscle building exercise which hits the calves, hamstrings, glutes, quads, lower and upper back, traps, shoulders, biceps, triceps, and forearms. Although it is, by definition, an Olympic lift, it can be done in more of a strict manner to really target the traps, upper back, and shoulders. When done in this manner, it is not performed solely with the intention of developing explosive speed like most Olympic lifts are performed.

Doing the clean and push press in this manner is a form of power bodybuilding and will really blow up the traps and shoulders. If you could only pick one weight training exercise for building muscle, this might be the one. It’s a shame you don’t see this in more bodybuilding programs.


MILITARY PRESS

Also known as the front press, this was once considered the number one measure of upper body power and was the premier muscle building exercise for the upper body. In the old days of strength training most people didn't even do bench presses; every weight training exercise was done standing up. Bench pressing was looked down upon as a show lift and real men only did overhead presses to build muscle.

Bench pressing took over with the development of powerlifting and bodybuilding and the military press took a back seat. It is still however, a great measure of upper body power and should be done by anyone interested in building an impressive set of shoulders and building overall muscle mass throughout the upper body.

Even though some uninformed doctors will have you believe that overhead pressing can be dangerous, old time strong men argue that there would not be as many shoulder injuries as there are today if the military press had remained the upper body weight training exercise of choice. Equally effective variations of the military press include the push press, push jerk and split jerk.


BENCH PRESS

This is one of the three powerlifting exercises and along with Military Presses, is the greatest of all pressing movements for building muscle in the upper body. When looking at the effectiveness of an exercise, the questions to be asked are what will allow the lifter to use the most weight and what exercise involves the most muscle mass.

The bench press meets both of these prerequisites and besides being incredibly effective as a muscle building exercise, it is one of the best measures of upper body power.


CHEST DIP

A close second to chin ups as one of the best upper body exercises for building muscle fast, and for all the same reasons. If you want big arms you had better include dips in your training program. No other weight training exercise will add slabs of muscle to the triceps as effectively as dips.

A huge chest and enormous pair of front delts are also a pleasant side effect that comes with regularly performing this outstanding muscle building exercise.


PUSH UPS

Yes, you read that right, I said pushups are one of the best weight training exercises to build muscle fast. For a beginner pushups are the absolute best muscle building exercise to do for the pecs, delts, and triceps. However, as you make progress and get stronger pushups become too easy and are usually forgotten about. That is a huge mistake. There are several varieties of pushups that can be used by intermediate and advanced lifters such as elevated pushups on pushup handles, dumbbells, or chairs.

Pushups can also be done on gymnastic rings hanging from chains and suspended a foot or so above the ground to make them even more challenging. When either of these versions of this awesome muscle building exercise becomes too easy you can have a partner hold weight on your back, use a weighted vest or even drape heavy chains across your back. If you are looking for more variety, Hindu pushups are another great version of this exercise and can sometimes humble even the strongest of men.

Pacquiao vs Mayweather

	Pacquiao	Mayweather
1	Winners focus on solutions.	Losers focus on problems.
2	Winners take responsibility.	Losers blame others.
3	Winners find opportunities in crisis.	Losers complain about crisis.
4	Winners enjoy being in the present and learn from the past.	Losers live in the past.
5	Winners make commitment and keep them no matter what.	Losers make promises that they always break.
6	Winners think about how they can achieve.	Losers give excuses.
7	Winners make personal development a priority.	Losers neglect personal development.
8	Winners face their fear, accept it and take the leap.	Losers dwell in their fear.
9	Winners constantly expand their comfort zone.	Losers stay in their comfort zone.
10	Winners take action consistently.	Losers refrain from taking action and lack consistency.
11	Winners take failure in their stride and learn from them.	Losers fear failure and avoid them at all cost.
12	Winners try different strategies when they are not getting the results they want.	Losers do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
13	Winners set goals.	Losers lack goals.
14	Winners plan.	Losers hate having a plan.
15	Winners believe there are always things to be learn.	Losers consider themselves as an expert even though they know little.
16	Winners are humble.	Losers are egoistic.
17	Winners continue to hone their skill every other day without fail.	Losers make little effort in honing their skill.
18	Winners work hard.	Losers avoid work.
19	Winners give their best for the things that they decide to do.	Losers work half heartedly in everything that they do.
20	Winners are persistent and will do whatever it takes (ethical means) to achieve their goal.	Losers give up when obstacles pop up.
21	Winners manage their time well and indulge in high value activities that will bring them closer to their goals.	Losers lack time management skills and indulge in time wasting activities like playing games and watching re runs for the umpteen time.
22	Winners dream in the day.	Losers dream in bed.
23	Winners think about possibilities.	Losers focus on obstacles that will stop them from achieving.
24	Winners are certain.	Losers doubt.
25	Winners control their own destiny.	Losers leave everything to their fate.
26	Winners give more than they take.	Losers take more than they give.
27	Winners think whether the crowd is going in the right direction. If not, he will walk the other direction.	Losers follow the crowd.
28	Winners think and lead.	Losers refuse to think so they follow.
29	Winners listen.	Losers fight for every chance to talk.
30	Winners always find a better way to do things.	Losers stick to one way of doing things.
31	Winners spend money in seminars and classes to improve themselves.	Losers think that spending money on seminars and classes is a waste of money and they prefer to buy toys that gives them instant gratification.
32	Winners help others to win.	Losers refuse to help and think only about their own benefit.
33	Winners find like minded people like themselves that can bring them to greater height.	Losers find like minded people like themselves that will drag them to failure.

A Beautiful Mind

Positive Thoughts & Positive Emotions = Mental Makeup

Leading a happy and successful life requires us to make healthy choices, think positively and believe in ourselves. Taking the wrong action or taking no action leaves us frustrated, feeling powerless, hopeless and stuck. When we change our thoughts we change our lives. If our thinking is negative the outcome is negative. When we think positive the outcome is positive. Instead of focusing on things we can’t control it’s important to identify and change the things we can.

Begin With Your Mind

1. Replace negative thoughts and beliefs with positive ones.
2. Open up. Talk about your problems with someone you trust.
3. Write out your problems in a journal.
4. Think before you speak.
5. Avoid worry and anxiety. Breathe deeply.
6. Get enough sleep.
7. Watch little or no TV.
8. Refuse to gossip.
9. Reconcile with family and friends.
10. Be patient.
11. Use daily affirmations.

Keep An Active Lifestyle

12. Learn to love moving your body.
13. Play outside.
14. Walk, ski, roller-blade, hike, swim, run
15. Just get going. Keep moving and work up a sweat!
16. Do yoga or pilates.
17. Do something unpredictable.
18.Set realistic goals.

Take Care of Your Body

19. Understand your body.
20. Eat less and eat healthy.
21. Drink plenty of water.
22. Pay attention to your body.
23. Try a new fruit or vegetable each week.
24. Floss and brush your teeth regularly.
25. Wash your hands regularly.
26. Eliminate or cut down on junk food.
27. Do a juice fast.

Pamper Yourself

28. Visit a spa .
29. Get a manicure & pedicure.
30. Get a Massage.
31. Learn to enjoy your own company.
32. Write a love letter to yourself.
34. Burn candles and relax.

Do Things You Enjoy

35. Take time out.
36. Read.
37. Dance.
38. Play games.
39. Listen to music.
40. Spend time with friends.
41. Grow a garden.
42. Bike to work.
43. Do Scrap-booking.
44. Find a new hobby.
45. Appreciate yourself.
46. Hike.
47. Be social.
48. Volunteer.

Eliminate Stress

49. Eat healthy.
50. Focus on best case scenarios.
51. Stop whining and complaining.
52. Don’t compare yourself to others.
53. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
54. Let go of toxic people.
55. Learn to meditate.
56. Let go of trivial things.
57. Let go of grievances.
58. Don’t take things personally.
59. Ask for what you want.
60. Love yourself.
61. Keep things in perspective.
62. Just say no.
63. Cut clutter
64. Detox your calendar.
65. Be responsible.

George Simon - Dealing With Manipulative People

Two Basic Types of Aggression

There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities

Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covertaggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.

The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.

The Process of Victimization

For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:

1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.
2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.
3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.
4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas

Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem. Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with covertly aggressive tactics is essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics

Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial – This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.

Selective Inattention – This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change.

Rationalization – A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.

Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.

Lying – It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators – covert-aggressive personalities that they are – are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying' omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation – Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covertaggressive's favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics.

Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.

Covert-aggressives are expert at using shaming tactics in the most subtle ways. Sometimes it can just be in the glances they give or the tone of voice they use. Using rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm and other techniques, they can invite you to feel ashamed of yourself for even daring to challenge them.

Playing the Victim Role – This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.

Vilifying the Victim – This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive.

More than any other, the tactic of vilifying the victim is a powerful means of putting someone unconsciously on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using the tactic.

Playing the Servant Role – Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others. One hallmark characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance.

Seduction – Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't characterdisordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others

Projecting the blame (blaming others) – Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways.

Minimization – This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

I've presented the principal tactics that covert-aggressives use to manipulate and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they're to avoid being taken in by them.