Complaining Ruins Your Reputation

By Selena Rezvani

In today’s typical workplace, disengaged employees are the norm. In fact, research conducted by Gallup shows that only 13% of employees worldwide are engaged in their work. And as we all know, where there are disengaged employees, there’s usually complaining, gossiping, and griping that follows.

It’s not that there’s no place for disappointment, anger or annoyance at work. But I can guarantee you that your complaints are not doing you or your career any favors. If they were, people would label them ‘proposals,’ ‘negotiations,’ ‘solutions’ or ‘suggestions’.

Next time you feel the urge to reflexively complain, think through these common perceptions of workplace whiners (by non-whiners). They may just be the best deterrent when you have the need to gripe:

• They think you’re unproductive: It’s hard to be a top producer and also find the time to complain constantly. When you’re seen voicing grievances to your colleague in the lunchroom, for example, people assume that you’re consciously putting your energy there, rather than into your key responsibilities. It’s also obvious to others that in the time you spend complaining, you could be problem solving, researching ways to improve the situation or moving on to something else more substantive.
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• They assume you complain about them, too:  When you see the worst in colleagues or express your displeasure frequently about coworkers, people will see you as unsympathetic and critical. They will also make a very fair and immediate assumption: If you talk negatively about the person sitting in the cube next to you, you probably talk negatively about them too. Don’t brand yourself someone as someone who’s impossible to please; it sends the added message that you’re untouchable and everyone else is flawed.
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• They don’t trust you: There’s a reason that the online reviews we tend to trust most are factual, fair and balanced in tone. The same is often true among the colleagues to whom we give the most credence. If you’re seen as a complainer, people will not respect your view in a meeting the same way they would someone who evenhandedly considers all angles. By complaining too much, you’re etching away at your credibility and essentially declaring to the world, “Don’t take my ideas very seriously, they’re probably negative, partial or one sided.”
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• They think you can’t cope with change:  At many companies, people’s first impulse upon learning about a change is displeasure. Even if this reflex is natural, there’s a competitive advantage in business (and in life) to getting from ‘Place A’ to ‘Place B’ quickly. If you come across as someone rigid or intolerant of ambiguity, you convey to others that you’re a slow adopter and a laggard; show them instead that you look for possibilities in change.
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• They think you don’t take responsibility: One of the key reasons we complain is that when we pin the fault on someone else, we don’t have to look at our own behavior. And yet, in my interviews with top senior leaders, the higher an executive moves up, the more personal responsibility they need to take for their actions and results. A seasoned complainer rarely takes personal ownership – which only underscores the sense of powerless that got them complaining in the first place.
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• They don’t want to be associated with you: Often, when you complain to a group, the implicit message is that you’re trying to rally support for your way of thinking. Not only is it bad for others’ health and welfare to listen to you, but you’ll find that colleagues will think twice before being linked to you. Whether on a client project, a new assignment or an internal committee, they know they don’t have a lot to gain from being partnered with a glass-half-empty kind of thinker.

When you complain, you’re not endearing yourself to anyone. Whether you occasionally struggle with a victim mentality or have had your fair share of true bad breaks, it’s reassuring to remember that when it comes to your own behavior, you hold all the power and you always have a choice.

So be your own hero. Ride in on your own white horse to save the day. And spare people’s ears the latest disappointment that has set you off.

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Turbulence Interval Training and Weight Training

WEEK 1

4 Day Split Pull Push (xHHxLLx)

WEEK 2
4 Day Split Pull Push (xLLxHHx)

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Paleo Fitness

4 Mental Health Conditions

By Madeline Vann, MPH

Mental disorders like depression, anxiety, OCD, and bipolar disorder all have warning signs. Find out what they are and when to get help.

Everyone has good days and bad days — even good years and bad years — but you should be concerned when the signs of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or bipolar disorder make it difficult to carry out the tasks of everyday life. Challenging emotions can arise in any situation, from work to relationships, and you want to act before they seriously interfere with your ability to function.

Mental Health: 5 Signs of Clinical Depression 

“You determine clinical depression by two measures. One is by time and one is by severity — impact on function. When you have severe symptoms that last at least two weeks and are interfering with fundamental basic functions, it falls into the realm of clinical depression,” explains psychiatrist Jill RachBeisel, MD, associate professor of psychiatry of the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore.

There are many symptoms of depression, but most common among people with clinical depression are changes in:

1. Appetite. “In clinical depression you lose your appetite completely, and you stop eating, or you eat very little,” says Dr. RachBeisel.
2. Sleep. When clinical depression sets in, you may have consistent, severe insomnia and be unable to sleep well almost every night.
3. Concentration. “Someone might find themselves unable to maintain focus on simple activities like watching a TV program or reading a newspaper article,” says RachBeisel. You may not be able to focus on a recipe for dinner or tasks at work.
4. Energy level. “With severe clinical depression your energy is so low you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning or carrying through your basic activities of daily living. People find themselves lying in bed and staying in pajamas all day long,” RachBeisel explains.
5. Interest in activities that one would normally enjoy. This may mean that you no longer care about shaving or styling your hair, for example, or about bigger issues, like caring for your children.

At its most severe, clinical depression can lead to suicide. Having thoughts like “My family would be better off without me” is a warning sign.

Mental Health: 5 Signs of Anxiety

“We all should have a little anxiety on board because when you think about it, what makes you really perform well is you get a little anxious,” says RachBeisel. These, however, are signs that you may need help with your anxiety level:

1. You can’t follow a conversation or complete a basic task.
2. You can’t do what other people do; for example, a fear of crossing bridges prevents you from seeing the other side of town.
3. You find yourself avoiding family gatherings or office parties due to social anxiety.
4. You worry that in a crowded room people are looking at you or talking about you.
5. You may avoid projects that require public speaking or presenting your work.

Mental Health: 5 Signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is on the extreme end of the anxiety spectrum.

“People with OCD are so anxious, they have intrusive thoughts that are irrational, and they can’t get the thoughts out of their head. So what they do is develop behaviors to cope with the anxiety,” says RachBeisel. These behaviors or rituals may be so time-consuming that you can’t get to work (or anywhere) on time, and may even prevent you from working. For example, you may:

1. Wash your hands 20 to 30 times a day.
2. Count 15 cars before you can park.
3. Spend hours checking the door and window locks before going to bed.
4. Spend hours bathing.
5. Repeat work tasks multiple times to make sure they are perfect.

Mental Health: 5 Signs of Bipolar Disorder

“A person with bipolar disorder is someone who has severe mood swings,” says RachBeisel. During the depressed phase, the signs of clinical depression appear, but people with bipolar disorder also experience a manic phase during which they may have a lot of energy and positive feelings about themselves. Signs of mania are:

1. Mood swings. Examples are elevated mood or extreme irritability.
2. Fast speech. “You can’t get a word in edgewise and you have to ask them to slow down,” says RachBeisel.
3. No need for sleep. People with pipolar disorder may stay up all night for many days cleaning, painting walls, or doing laundry.
4. Overextended. An overly high estimation of themselves leads to commitments they can’t possibly keep, such as taking on jobs they don’t have the skills to do.
5. Excessive behaviors. Charging tens of thousands of dollars or having sex with casual acquaintances are just two examples.

Mental Health: How to Get Help

If you suspect that you have signs of one of these mental health conditions, RachBeisel advises that you:

1. Call your primary care doctor and ask for a referral so you can get evaluated by a specialist.
2. Call a local suicide hotline if you are experiencing severe symptoms.
3. Contact your local health department for a list of mental health services.

By knowing the signs of these common mental health conditions, you'll be better equipped to recognize when you, or someone you love, may need professional help.

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Let Go and Be Free

Trapping smaller monkeys is a relatively easy occupation, and is achieved by setting up a snare exploiting a monkey’s curiosity.

 A narrow necked ceramic/clay bottle with a bulbous bottom, similar to a Carafe, is tethered to a stake in the ground or a small tree using a vine or rope fastened around the narrow neck.

Various items such as nuts or firm fruit are put inside the bottle or vessel and left in locations where monkeys are known to inhabit. The monkey’s curiosity is aroused by the vessel and will put his hand into the jar to find what is contained, will grasp the bait and will attempt to remove them within their clenched fist. They are trapped by curiosity, and are unwilling to release the contents within their clenched fist. We might consider the monkey foolish, since to escape the trap, all they need to do is to release the bait!

"IF YOU WANT TO BE FREE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LET GO."

Finger Length and Sexuality

How to Deal With Impossible People

by Self Carers

Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won’t get you anywhere, they don’t even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some other underlying issue, you can learn how to deal with impossible people and preserve your own sanity.

How to Handle Conflicts

Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they’re called “impossible” for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.

Do not call out the other person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with someone who is impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, he or she will likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can’t handle this like you would any other personal conflict — it’s a special situation.

• In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn’t a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you’re probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.

Remember to “detach, disassociate and diffuse.“ When you’re in the middle of a conflict with an impossible person, use this strategy:

• Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions such as crying, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior.
• Disassociate: Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference. Do not, under any circumstances bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive by redirection such as by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!
• Diffuse: It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will always win out, and it’s best to “name the game” that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them or the group a question that starts “Why…,” (rephrasing their “impossible” position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the conversation to a higher level, and the group, or even just the impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this “higher truth,” although the individual will usually respond by (more) obfuscating.

Understand that it’s not you, it’s them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.

• Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake.
• That being said, here’s a simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it’s probably not you. Remember, impossible people “can do no wrong.”

Prepare for projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.

• Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.

Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually aprecious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn’t even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

Long-Term Management

Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.

• As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of “fixing” the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can’t (and even if they could, they wouldn’t).
• Recognize that you can’t convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don’t recognize (or if they did, wouldn’t try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don’t have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It’s far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you’ll become a better manager.

Don’t get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often thwart the impossible person’s plans, and a typical response from them will be to unilaterally decide that “we don’t need anyone else.” You are perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.

Consider that it might be a question of compatibility. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water.

• It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim “Everyone else likes me.” This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don’t buy it. It doesn’t matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.

Prepare to part ways. Understand that eventually, you’ll have to create a separation between yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible.

• If you can’t (or won’t) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you’ve already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
• If this person is a spouse, and you plan to stay with them, try to recognize the places you cannot tread (i.e. The subjects that make the person impossible). Avoid, as completely as possible, bringing up these subjects. Keep to yourself. Find a truly wonderful hobby, and focus on it. If you are religious, focus on your religion. Read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder — this is a definite possibility. Even if it seems to you that they do not have NPD, read the articles about how to deal with them, because following the advice in the articles you find may help you.

Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Focus on the people who validate you. Realize that this person is hurting you on purpose to improve his or her self-image. When he or she comes out with a statement that is designed to hurt you, realize this; realize why he saying that — to get people to tell him that he’s awesome. You are bigger and better than this person if you’re not lowering yourself to this level.

• Remind yourself that this person’s opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly “fact-challenged.”
• If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can’t possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.

Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren’t careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender’s own behavior, even if you aren’t voluntarily trying. Issue blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person’s actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.

Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and kindness.

• We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don’t have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don’t receive respect, that’s -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.

Protect your privacy. Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk.

• Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think “Hey, she’s not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days….” Big mistake! It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to “handle” you is.

TIPS

• When you make your escape from the impossible person stay away. Don’t ever go back once you break away — no matter how much you love them or they say they’ve changed.
• When the impossible person is abusing or slandering you, other people will start to show sympathy towards you. You don’t need to do anything to make them look bad; she/he just digs his/her grave with no help from you. If s/he is angering you, others are also likely to be annoyed.
• Be detached from anything they say whether it’s a compliment or criticism. If you give them power to build you up, then you also give them power to knock you down. Learn to develop a sense of self worth from within.